Sunday night pasta sauce and WTF online dating

Pastasauce

I’ve been single for nine days. I opened a bottle of rosé and paid for a three-month subscription to Match.com (I think). I also signed up for something called MeetMindful, a “conscious” dating site that has a total of 45 people on it, each of whom has an inspirational quote on his profile, such as “I am not my mind, I am a glint of the infinite expanse of consciousness beneath the thought.”

AHUMANBEINGWHOWANTSTODATEOTHERHUMANBEINGSCAMEUPWITHTHATALLONHISOWN.

It’s hard to simultaneously make fun of everyone else’s vulnerabilities and cultivate a deep, intimate, loving relationship. To wit: If someone names his “international hot spots” as Australia, Ireland, and Hawaii, I click the little X at the top right of his profile picture. If someone poses with a Ducati with so many quarter panels it dwarfs him in the photo, I click the X. If someone poses in a motorboat or in a helicopter or takes a selfie in his bathroom or his car, I click the X. If someone quotes Theodore Roosevelt, or his fake name is some permutation of “Tyler Durdan,” or his favorite book is White Noise by Don DeLillo, I click the X.

My ex-boyfriend told me his red-flag book was To Kill a Mockingbird, because he knew immediately that person had never read any other books. And apparently there’s a scourge of yoga poses and funny mustache pictures among straight girls. So guys don’t have it any easier.

From Match.com:

I’m a happy, positive, energetic, open minded and thoughtful man. I’m trying to do my best to follow God, and glorify him. I consider myself fun, smart, and athletic. I’m looking for a fun, smart, open minded, cute and caring woman. Looking forward to sharing great times! Membership ends April 4th, and not going to renew

Line up, ladies!

  • Heat 3 heaping TB of olive oil in a Dutch oven.
  • Add 3 garlic cloves (chopped) and heat over medium-low.
  • Once the garlic is fragrant and just beginning to brown, pour in a 24-oz. can of San Marzano tomatoes. Poke them apart with a spatula.
  • Lower to a simmer.
  • Add a couple glugs of red wine, 1 TB of oregano, 1 tsp. red chili flakes, salt, freshly ground pepper, and, if you have some, 1-2 parmesan cheese rinds. Also possibly a bay leaf.
  • I used to cook this down until it was thick and tangy and starting to brown on the bottom, but these days I’ve been preferring it less cooked and more bright. It’s delish either way. Takes anywhere from 30-60 minutes, depending on how high you have the heat and how much you cook the sauce down.
  • Make pasta. If you don’t know how to make pasta, this is not the blog where you’re going to learn how.
  • Add the pasta to the sauce. Stir. Put in a bowl, grate parmesan on top, open a bottle of red wine, and binge-watch Nurse Jackie on Netflix.

 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. stephanie casler says:

    Fantastic! So glad I got to sip on my morning coffee and smile as I read this…thank you and I want more!

    Like

    1. Haha. Thanks, Stephanie! I love that image. More definitely to come. 🙂

      Like

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