Salted tahini chocolate chip cookies and WTF online dating

TahiniCookies

First, if your name is Draper, don’t put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don’t put it in your profile name. Because then the word “raper” is in your profile name. I don’t make the rules.

Second, Match.com gives you many ways to categorize yourself and the kind of person you’re looking for. For example, you can say whether or not you have kids. One of the possible answers is, “I’ll tell you later!”

Q: DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

A: HA, HA! I’LL TELL YOU LATER!

Q: IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION.

A: MAYBE! MAYBE NOT! I’LL TELL YOU LATER!

You also can specify whether you want kids. Yesterday I ran across a man who is 44 years old and says he want kids SOMEDAY.

FORTY-FOUR. SOMEDAY.

At least someone named Casey likes me. Sweet Casey. Casey is 26, and Casey’s interests are: “Saving the world!”

Sorry, Casey.

Then there’s this guy:

I noticing that no one ever says hi . Am I just one of those profiles with some selfies and that’s it ?. I am what I am when I mention gentleman . Plus am good looking too . Doesn’t that sell ?. Although, don’t say hi if you really don’t want to . But can’t understand why I never get responses ?. Not like I’m pictureless . As I want to meet someone who can share positive together !. All I know is that there’s no interests . But why ?. As someone has to want meet a man like myself .

I started wondering why everyone (besides the crazies) sounds so BLAND. I like food! I like the outdoors! I’m looking for a partner in crime and a copilot who’s as comfortable in a T-shirt and jeans as a cocktail dress! This is from an actual profile on Match.com, emphasis mine:

“I’m very optimistic; a half full glass kind of guy. I believe where there’s a will there’s a way and that you can accomplish pretty much anything you set your mind to. Looking for a sincere, honest, and caring person. Someone who is down to earth and who has a sense of humor. A go-getter, ready to work as a team.”

Then I realized what’s going on: EVERYONE IS LYING. And I thought, what would my profile look like if I were honest?

My self-summary:

  • The first album I ever bought was All That Jazz by a British pop group called Breathe, and I still know all words to “Hands to Heaven” and “Don’t Tell Me Lies.”
  • I have, at different times, expressed my anger by 1). throwing my boyfriend’s Sonicare toothbrush into an air duct (with the base); 2). breaking my own sunglasses; and 3). kicking a different boyfriend out of my car on the corner of 73rd and Hegenberger in East Oakland after 10 p.m.
  • I do not like the following: comic books, cartoons, video games, plays, Halloween, costume parties, and anything lavender-flavored.
  • My ophthalmologist says my eyelashes are not actually long, they just have a long growing period.

What I’m doing with my life:
Wreaking havoc at other people’s weddings.

I’m really good at:
Snooping.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
Today I spent five minutes scratching these weird bumps I’ve been getting on both calves that may or may not be from razor burn so hard they bled.

The six things I could never do without:
1. The NuvaRing
2. The 200 glass jars I’m collecting in my storage space (with lids)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Going down the block to tell the ice cream man, whose truck plays an electronic version of “Do Your Ears Hang Low” on repeat for four hours at a time, to FUCKING MOVE HIS TRUCK.

On a typical Friday night I am:
Halfway into a bottle of wine by 5:45.

You should message me if:
You’re an extremely patient person who has experience with anxiety disorders and doesn’t mind if I squeeze your blackheads!

These cookies are AMAZING. I saw the recipe in the New York Times and made a bunch for my friends at work, where I was very popular from 9-9:45 a.m.

Straight from the website (and chef Danielle Oron and journalist Julia Moskin), altered slightly for my style (for example, I don’t weigh ingredients because no matter how they turn out they’re COOKIES):

You need:

  • 4 oz. salted butter at room temperature
  • ½ cup tahini, well stirred
  • 1 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 egg yolk
  • 1 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 1 cup plus 2 TB all-purpose flour
  • ½ tsp. baking soda
  • ½ tsp. baking powder
  • 1 tsp. kosher salt
  • 1 ¾ cups chocolate chips or chunks, bittersweet or semisweet
  • Flaky salt, like fleur de sel or Maldon

You need to:

  • In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (OR WITH YOUR HANDHELD CUISINART MIXER THAT YOU GOT IN THE DIVORCE), cream butter, tahini, and sugar at medium speed until light and fluffy, about 5 mins. Add egg, egg yolk, and vanilla and continue mixing at medium speed for another 5 mins.
  • Sift (WHO HAS TIME TO SIFT. WHO HAS A SIFTER) flour, baking soda, baking powder, and kosher salt into a large bowl and mix with a fork. Add flour mixture to butter mixture at low speed until just combined. Use a rubber spatula to fold in chocolate chips. Dough will be soft, not stiff. Refrigerate at least 12 hrs.; this ensures tender cookies.
  • When ready to bake, heat oven to 325 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper or nonstick baking mat. Use a large ice cream scoop or spoon to form dough into 12 to 18 balls.
  • Place the cookies on the baking sheet at least 3 ins. apart to allow them to spread. Bake 13 to 16 mins. until just golden brown around the edges but still pale in the middle to make thick, soft cookies. As cookies come out of the oven, sprinkle sparsely with salt. Let cool at least 20 mins. on a rack.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Rose Camastro Pritchett says:

    Reading this I learned three things. Honestly is the best policy. Cookies can contain tahini. What is a NUVA ring – I had to look it up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you. You are truly amazing for everything I put you through!! xoxo

      Like

  2. Susan says:

    Seriously. THIS IS A BOOK. Plus, you need to put ALL of this in your online dating profile and you will find the best person ever. Also: What/ You don’t like plays?!?!? And, I wish I had read this a few days ago when I was desperately seeking a good cookie recipe. (made salted caramel brownies instead, but they are too sweet and cookies would have been better)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! I admitted to someone two weeks ago that I don’t like plays, and now I can’t stop saying it! I have a lot of qualifiers, of course. 🙂 Salted caramel brownies?! Recipe, please! (And thank you for reposting to your blog!!)

    Like

  4. suegranzella says:

    If your blog posts were not so amazing, I would probably have something to say other than HOLY SHIT! I can hardly bear how much I enjoy your feisty voice. These posts are DELICIOUS!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This one is my favorite

    Liked by 1 person

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