Last night someone from OKCupid who says he’s AN FBI AGENT ARE YOU KIDDING YES I WANT TO TALK TO YOU texted me. But I texted back that I couldn’t talk because I was “in the middle of a writing project.”
Jenny: I knew someone who was an FBI agent! The first thing I asked was, “Have you ever pulled out your gun and yelled, ‘Freeze! FBI!'” He said yes! It was so cool! Have you ever done that?
FBI: Oh. No. That’s pretty atypical. Everybody’s different.
Jenny: So you’ve never done that.
FBI: No. It’s like watching an episode of ER and thinking everything is about that.
Jenny: Um. (Cheerily) So how did you become an FBI agent?
FBI: Well, I went to West Point?
FBI: It’s a military academy?
Jenny: Um. Yes, I’ve heard of it.
FBI: What I do now is national security. (Pause) What we call national intelligence?
Jenny: Yes, I’ve heard of it. How does that jibe with, like, antigovernment Berkeley? (KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, LIBERAL. YOU WERE JUST TELLING A FRIEND YOU’RE NOT LONELY BUT YOU MIGHT LIKE SOMEONE TO “TOUCH MY BREASTS” SOMEDAY. IT’S BEEN FIVE WEEKS AND FIVE DAYS, FOR GOD’S SAKE.)
FBI: Well, the Ninth Circuit is definitely liberal, in terms of the practices, but at the same time most of the focus tends to be on local law enforcement, OPD, or Berkeley PD.
Jenny: ZZZZZZZZZ. TYPING EVERYTHING HE SAYS.
FBI: How do you get into the city every day? Do you take BART or do you drive?
Jenny: ZZZZZZZZZ. TYPING.
FBI: I’m getting my knee scoped on Tuesday. They’re cleaning it out. It’s been clicking and grinding around. They make two small incisions.
Jenny: TYPING. EVERYTHING. HE. SAYS.
FBI: My family has a ranch on the Russian River.
Jenny: A ranch?
FBI: Past Santa Rosa. Primarily they just have it for hunting. Deer, turkey, quail. Used to be a lot of boar up there.
FBI: It’s about 6,000 acres. It’s nice property. You always see interesting stuff. I take my dog up there.
Jenny: A dog! I’ve always wanted a dog named Bandit.
FBI: I had a dog named Bandit. I had a dog named Lucky. I had a dog named Hobbes. Well, Hobbes 1. I liked it so much I named this one Hobbes 2. He sits on the couch all day, but he sits like a human. I’ll send you a photo. You’ll understand when you see it. He’s a Rhodesian ridgeback.
FBI: Have you been to Africa?
Jenny: (PAUSE, AS THIS IS A TOTALLY BIZARRE QUESTION, GIVEN THE HISTORY OF RHODESIA AS A BRITISH COLONY THAT ONLY ACHIEVED INDEPENDENCE IN 1980, AFTER WHICH IT WAS RENAMED ZIMBABWE, AND THE FACT THAT I DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RHODESIA TO KNOW WHAT A RHODESIAN RIDGEBACK IS. ALSO, ALREADY HE’S ASSUMED I DON’T KNOW WHAT WEST POINT OR “NATIONAL SECURITY” ARE AND NOW HE ASSUMES I DON’T KNOW WHAT A RHODESIAN RIDGEBACK IS. HE REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I DATED WHO WAS A WEIGHT LIFTER, AND AFTER WE HAD BAD SEX ON MY COUCH, HE STOOD UP AND SMILED AND SAID, “HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS A WEIGHT LIFTER BEFORE?” AND THEN HE FLEXED. LIKE IN THE MOVIES. EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE THINKING RIGHT NOW IS WHAT HE DID. I’D LIKE TO SAY THIS WAS YEARS AGO BUT IT WAS IN 2013.) Well, I touched down in the Tunisian airport once, but I know what a Rhodesian ridgeback is.
FBI: I think the dog has an anxiety disorder.
Jenny: Oh! Poor thing! How do you deal with that?
FBI: Well. I submit to the dog. Well. Actually. I never thought I’d use a shock collar.
Jenny: A what? I didn’t hear you.
FBI: A shock collar. But with him. With his anxiety. Ninety percent of the time he’s fine around new dogs. But sometimes he’ll put his tail between his legs or get aggressive for no reason. Or chase the cows.
Jenny: He’ll what?
FBI: He’ll chase the cows. When we go walking.
(This is an actual photo of me from 2005, taken by my ex-husband. For the rest of this exchange I can’t get this photo out of my head.)
FBI: I got tired of being stressed on walks. So a year or so ago I got a shock collar, and I’ve never been so happy in my life. I shock him on occasion and he immediately knows when not to do something.
Jenny: (IMAGINING HERSELF IN A SHOCK COLLAR, BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO)
FBI: Do you want to get coffee next week?
I live on rice bowls. This is one version.
- Make rice. If you don’t know how to make rice, this is not the blog where you’re going to learn.
- Chop up one medium zucchini and sauté on medium heat in olive oil. Flip when they start to brown on one side so they brown on the other side.
- Fry a perfect egg: Turn the heat under a pan onto high. Drizzle in sesame oil. When it’s hot, crack the egg into the oil. Do not decrease the heat. Let the egg cook until the edges are brown and crispy, the white has begun to bubble up, and the yolk is just set. Then turn off the heat. Your perfect egg is ready.
- Scoop rice into a bowl. Layer with sautéed zucchini, 1/4 sliced avocado, chopped cilantro, and kimchee, and serve with chili oil and soy sauce and binge-watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Titus: “You need to make like a 30-year-old single girl and settle!” HA! HA, HA!).