“This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I’ve been on here a month and a half and I’m still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE). I paid for three months of this so I’m at least here for that long (I PAID $60 DELIVER ME A LIFE PARTNER MATCH.COM). I’ve been in the Bay Area all of a couple months and I miss San Diego. I swear, dating in your 30’s is like shopping at Ross. Hella threads are missing, subtle damage that you don’t see at first, then boom! You realize why the shirt was at Ross (BOOM! WOMEN ARE LIKE SHIRTS FROM ROSS HA HA!).
“Yes, I have a great stable job (I SEE FROM YOUR PHOTO THAT YOU’RE A POLICE OFFICER). I have a house, nice car, great work ethic and will hopefully one Day be a great dad. Been in public safety as long as I can remember but I don’t let it get to my head (A GOOD IDEA SEEING AS HOW YOU’RE ARMED). I’m very grounded and think logically. I don’t argue. If you argue with me you will win because I don’t think anything is really worth arguing over (HUMAN RIGHTS, WOMEN’S RIGHTS, LGBTQ RIGHTS, IMMIGRANT RIGHTS, RACISM, POVERTY, GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOOD, FRACKING, POLICE BRUTALITY). I stay in good shape. I hope the one day I find my significant other she is satisfied with how I’ve maintained myself. It’s the main reason I work out. What if my soulmate likes bis and triceps? (WHAT IF MY LOVE? WHAT IF??)
“Now what I’m looking for (WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR MY STEED). If you’re in your profile pics and you have a drink in your hand in every single pic please just keep scrolling (OH. THANK YOU. I WILL KEEP SCROLLING). I love alcohol as much as the next guy but c’mon man. Also, if you start your bio with “I don’t believe chivalry is dead I just can’t find a guy who does it.” Don’t contact me. You don’t make me breakfast and dinner every night so don’t expect me to open every door (THIS SEEMS LIKE A REASONABLE TRADE). Times change. Women work (SURELY YOU JEST. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN) and I work. I enjoy spoiling with the subtleties (INDEED, THAT IS SUBTLE). If I see your toothbrush wearing down I’ll buy you an expensive new one (I AM RUNNING TOWARD YOU MY LOVE). I’ll surprise you and stay up late to wash your car. I’ll BBQ dinner if you handle the other vegetable stuff (I DO LOVE VEGETABLE STUFF). But I don’t owe your weekly flowers (NO. I’M SORRY I WAS EVEN THINKING THAT). That stuff is expensive and I’d rather buy us a trip to Catalina. 1-800-flowers has enough money (I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING).
“If you just need somebody to make you laugh with cheesy one liners while we try a new restaurant then cool. My sense of humor pleases the masses (ARE THE MASSES INCARCERATED IN YOUR COUNTY AT THE TIME OF YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR) and I will promise you a good time. Let’s go eat food (YES. I LIKE EAT FOOD).
“And no, I’m not lying about my height. I’m 6’5″ and a solid 280 lbs. (TAKE BACK THE NIGHT, NO MEANS NO, WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY). you can wear whatever heels you want. I know. It was a shoot I did and the photos went on a calendar which raised money for charity. So if you don’t like my photo you don’t like charity (I SEE HOW YOU MIGHT MAKE THAT CONNECTION). And that girl in the picture is the painter lady (MY MOM ALSO IS A PAINTER LADY WHAT DO YOU MEAN). Not my or ex or anything. She just painted me (SUBTLE INDEED). Easily the greatest idea I’ve ever came up with (NO MY LOVE. THIS SELF-SUMMARY IS THE GREATEST IDEA YOU’VE EVER CAME UP WITH).”
To make a cast iron pasta casserole, first convince your friends to go to Hawaii and leave you their house in the Russian River and their dog for four days. Scrounge in their pantry to come up with:
- 1 15.5 oz. can white beans
- 1 14.5 oz. can crushed tomatoes
- 1 small head broccoli
- Olive oil (brought from home because it would be a nightmare to be caught in a house for four days without olive oil)
- Salt (see “Olive oil,” above)
- 6 cloves garlic (see “Olive oil,” above)
- 1/2 pound pasta known in Sicily as babbalusci (see “Olive oil,” above)
- Freshly ground pepper (THANK GOD THEY HAVE PEPPER)
- 1/2 cup breadcrumbs
- 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese (see “Olive oil,” above)
You need to:
- Heat oven to 350 degrees.
- Chop up broccoli and put in large cast iron pan with white beans (drained), crushed tomatoes (with juice), and garlic. Douse with olive oil, salt, and pepper and toss. Bake for I wasn’t paying attention but until the broccoli starts to brown.
- Cook the pasta until al dente. Add to pan and toss with other ingredients. Top with breadcrumbs and Parmesan. Bake until top is browned (another I can’t remember minutes).
Scoop into a bowl, douse with more olive oil, fill a glass with boxed pinor noir, and binge-watch United States of Tara while keeping an eye on the dog, who nevertheless murdered a pair of $40 flip-flops and is no longer my friend.