Cast-iron pan pizza and WTF online dating

PIZZA

A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT. Women, men, bus drivers, television cameramen, cops, firefighters, reporters, photographers, teachers, dog walkers, lawyers, football players, softball players, chefs, writers, landscape designers, musicians, hippies (NOT TOO MANY THOUGH YEESH), pot dealers, pot growers, bartenders, construction workers, and even one minister with a cross hanging on the wall beyond the couch where we made sweet, Christian love. My only question about someone new was, what’s THAT like?

Now everything annoys me. EVERYTHING. And the thought of most people touching my naked body makes me feel faint. SUCH AS:

Finger guns in your profile picture! Thumbs-ups in your profile picture! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WHY ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A “COPILOT”? WHAT DOES “COPILOT” MEAN TO YOU?

Recently I stumbled across this guy on Match.com:

I was born and raised in England, and moved to the USA in 1994 when I was 24. I’m 46. I’m well traveled, and you should be too.

IT’S TOO EARLY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU TO USE THE WORD “SHOULD.”

I’ve lived in London, spent time in New York City, Chicago, and Boston. I like to travel. I’m multi-functional: I can understand everything from Einstein’s theory of relativity to Shakespeare’s plays, as well as write my own material.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

I have a degree in physics with a minor in astronomy. I work in the software business. I’m a published author.Books: I like Arthur C. Clarke and Dean Koontz. I also really like the classics: The works of Jane Austin

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SPELL THAT.

and the Bronte sisters. Jane Eyre–glad I was forced to read it in high school. Shakespeare was a cool chap too–he definitely had a way with words.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Keats and Frost were awesome.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

I also like the Harry Potter books.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

His hot spots

Maria, Maria in Danville The Peasant and the Pear

Danville? Not MONTE CARLO?

Back to OKCupid. There, you can answer this question on your own profile:

“The most private thing I’m willing to admit:”

The other day I was driving and listening to NPR, and I realized the most private thing I’m willing to admit is I CAN’T STAND TERRY GROSS. HOLY SHIT SHE’S ANNOYING.

Later that day, OKCupid labeled someone who contacted me as “More good-natured.” How do they know? HOW DO THEY KNOW?

So I’m not contacting most people. In the meantime, plenty of people are contacting me. PLENTY. So, fellas: Want to see what a woman’s inbox looks like?

Hello… how are you doing today? I would to tell you and ask you many things.. But just want make it simple and resume everything in one word.. You are so “BEAUTIFUL”

“THANK YOU.”

Hey beautiful you got such an amazing eyes

THAT’S A PLURAL NOUN, MOTHERFUCKER.

Hello beauty am a thief can I steal your heart and adore it forever??

I REMEMBER WHEN I HEARD THAT THE FIRST TIME IN JUNIOR HIGH AND I THOUGHT IT WAS CLEVER.

Can I say hi 👀

Hey how’s your day ?

Hello!! how r u?

Hey ! How are you?

Hi

Hello there

hi, how are you doing? ………What are your plans for the weekend

Good morning

How are you?

Hello How are you?

Hello beautiful

Hi how are you

Hi

Hello

Hello beautiful how are you doing, you’ve got a great smile.

How you doing sexy

Hello how you doing beautiful

Hi

Hi I’m David, How are you doing?

Hi! Nice profile.. How are you? – JM

Hello gorgeous how re you, your profile pics looks extremely charming and stunning care to know you better if you don’t mind.

Hi there…. how are you doing today? You got a lovely profile…… John

Hello dear, can we chat?

Hello gorgeous how are you

Hello I saw your profile and find you very attractive I was hoping I could give you a call and we can talk about getting together and sharing a Frappuccino or something:)

hi there how are you doing

Perhaps I should feel reassured that the men of America are adept at cutting and pasting.

But THAT’S NOT HOW I FEEL.

Nice profile and Picture. There is something about your eyes…what color are they?

I HAVE TWELVE PICTURES UP. LOOK AT THE FUCKING PICTURES.

I’ve made this cast-iron pan pizza twice, and it’s incredibly easy and delicious. It’s a recipe from Bon Appétit, and the Web page even has a cute little video.

You need:

  • Store-bought pizza dough (Trader Joe’s has it)
  • Marinara sauce (I make my own, and last night I made this version but added anchovies with the garlic)
  • 2-3 cups mozzarrella
  • Fresh basil
  • Wash of honey, water, and chile flakes
  • Cornmeal
  • Flour

You need to (all text from Bon Appétit):

  • Preheat the oven to 525˚—or as hot as it’ll go.
  • Set a 9-12″ cast-iron pan over a burner set to medium-high.
  • Stretch the dough out, working it into a flattened round.
  • Sprinkle the hot pan with cornmeal and flour.
  • Set the dough snugly in the pan (watch your fingers!). Pull the sides of the dough up the sides of the pan so it doesn’t slump back down, being sure to distribute the dough evenly for no thin patches.
  • Brush the top of the dough with olive oil and let it start cooking over the burner.
  • Once the dough starts to bubble, season with salt and pepper and add 2-3 ounces of your favorite marinara sauce.
  • Top with 2-3 cups grated mozzarella cheese.
  • Bake for 10-15 minutes until the cheese is melted, bubbling, and golden.
  • Brush the crust with a mix of honey, chile flakes, and water (to thin the honey). The spicy honey will lacquer the crust.
  • Let it rest a few minutes, top the cheese with fresh torn basil leaves, and slice.

 

 

 

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Susan says:

    You’re killin me. I’m laughing my pants off, and now I want pizza.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is actually a really good recipe! And super easy.

    Like

  3. corinnegoria says:

    Hilarious. Love this. And Terri Gross IS so annoying!

    Like

    1. Awwww thanks, Corinne! And thank you for agreeing!! Not liking Terry Gross feels like a feminist fail.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s