Salted chocolate chunk cookies and you’re no Channing Tatum!

Cookies

So. OKCupid summarizes other people’s qualities (which they glean from how you answer questions) compared to your qualities at the bottom of each profile. FOR EXAMPLE: One recent afternoon, sitting in bed in torn pajamas and scratching the eczema on my legs, I found what I felt was a bad combination: Someone was more “sex-driven” AND more “conservative.” That can’t be good, I thought. So I clicked, because train wreck. But I quickly realized I’d read it wrong: VeganSoulSurfer was more sex-driven and LESS conservative.

That makes more sense, I thought. And, wow, hot picture. I read on.

With an open heart and arms…I welcome you!!

Ummmm. OK. He’s hot. Still reading.

I am seeking someone with pure, positive, present, sex positive energy and in tune with themselves. I am very open, real and don’t sugar coat or hide who I am! What you feel radiating and vibrating from me…you get!! I am guided on my spiritual journey that’s enlightened with knowing who I am!

Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Still. He’s hot. Still reading.

So with that..who am I looking for? First off let me say that I am seeking someone who wants me, but is also open for energy exchange with others! That said, I am part of two male/female masturbation groups in the East Bay and San Francisco

WHAT

I also enjoy group sex/play that involves multiple men and one woman (Which is something down the road, but I bring it up because I like to be real and not shock you later!!)!

HOPEFULLY THIS IS NEVER A SHOCK, AS IN, THIS SITUATION IS DISCUSSED AT SOME LENGTH AMONG ALL PARTIES BEFOREHAND, NOT WOMAN WALKS INTO A ROOM AND WTF GUYS.

I had recently taken a breather from sex (Solo Sexed for about a year)

The rest of us call it BEING SINGLE.

I work a lot and have a complex life at times.

YOU DON’T SAY.

I prefer more “Natural” style of a woman ( not a lot of make up if any…Im more than open to a woman who doesn’t shave anywhere)

TOO SOON TOO SOON TOO SOON

So if your seeking

YOU’RE

the most amazing energy that you can ask for, a good soul that is loving and caring, and are sex positive and open to who I am you should contact me!!

I’m really good at

Being myself and a honest good soul

This was when I took a good, hard look at VeganSoulSurfer’s profile picture. And upon second look, I thought, Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. That looks like Channing Tatum sitting on a surfboard.

This was his profile picture:

4fb0_channing_tatum2_0001

I haven’t seen all of Channing Tatum’s movies. I’ve seen a couple of them, or parts of a couple of them, let’s say multiple times. So I opened another browser window and Googled “Channing Tatum surfing movie.”

GUESS WHAT CAME UP:

4fb0_channing_tatum2_0001

I went back to VeganSoulSurfer’s profile and clicked on the next picture. And it turns out he’d posted A SECOND DISTANCE-Y PICTURE OF CHANNING TATUM. IN CASE HE WAS GETTING AWAY WITH THE FIRST ONE.

The thing is, VSS, if you’re going to be doing sexual-type things with someone, unless you’re really into blindfolds what you look like is important. You don’t have to look like Channing Tatum. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I look like Peter Sellers. But the fact that you posted not one BUT TWO pictures of Channing Tatum indicates to me the only possibility is YOU LOOK LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF CHANNING TATUM. And if Channing Tatum is the hottest man on Earth — I’m sorry, I’m not immune, although Ira Glass and Jon Stewart will forever be close runners-up — that makes you JARED THE SUBWAY GUY THE DAY HE GOT ARRESTED.

For the record, some of us watched Magic Mike XXL in the theater. Some of us have watched clips of the dance numbers from Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL on YouTube hundreds of times sitting on our couch with our hands in our pants.

There are some things you don’t mess with, VSS. Channing Tatum is one of them.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

The beauty of the world we live in

INTERESTING BECAUSE I’M SPENDING A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT A MASTURBATION GROUP IS AND HOW IT’S POSSIBLY BETTER THAN SOMEONE ELSE DOING ALL THAT TO YOU WITH THE REGULAR PARTS.

This is my go-to chocolate-chip cookie recipe from my go-to food blog, Smitten Kitchen. I’ve made this recipe for my landlord and my coworkers, and so far I haven’t been evicted or fired. All text is from her website, slightly edited for my style (although all mentions of grams have been deleted because WHO HAS TIME PUT THINGS IN BOWL AND COOKIES!!!).

You need:

  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
  • 2 TB granulated sugar
  • 2 TB turbinado sugar
  • 3/4 cup plus 2 TB packed light or dark brown sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 3/4 tsp. baking soda
  • Heaped 1/4 tsp. (or, technically, 1/4 + 1/8 tsp.) fine sea or table salt
  • 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 pound semi- or bittersweet chocolate, cut into roughly 1/2-inch chunks with a serrated knife
  • Flaky sea salt, to finish

You need to:

  • Heat oven to 360°F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a silicon baking mat.
  • In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugars together with an electric mixer until very light and fluffy, about 5 minutes.
  • Add egg and vanilla, beating until incorporated, and scraping down the bowl as needed.
  • Beat in fine sea salt or table salt and baking soda until combined, then the flour on a low speed until just mixed. The dough will look crumbly at this point.
  • With a spatula, fold/stir in the chocolate chunks.
  • Scoop cookies into 1 1/2 TB mounds, spacing them apart on the prepared baking sheet.
  • Sprinkle each with a few flakes of sea salt.
  • Bake for 11 to 12 minutes, until golden on the outside but still very gooey and soft inside.
  • Out of the oven, let rest on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

 

6 Comments Add yours

  1. I guess if people are that emphatic about being open, honest, and real… they’re not. Please keep posting- reading your blog is as close as I get to dating! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie, reading your blog is as close as I get to having a 2-year-old! I am seriously loving it!! YOU keep posting — especially with these new updates. 🙂 xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. suegranzella says:

    I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! THIS IS GENIUS! VeganSoulSurfer. Posting the two identical pics one after the other — outstanding. I bark-laughed when I read the matter-of-fact “I look like Peter Sellers”. Ooooooh, I totally want you to find a dad for your baby, but on the way there — this is undeniable brilliance. LOVE IT SO MUCH!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sue, all day I imagine you saying these things in my head. It helps so much. 😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Chrissy says:

    I wish I had known the term Solo Sexing as a thing before now. This is another one of my favorites, and no, you can’t mess with Tatum.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you, Chrissy!! And I agree: CT is inviolable!

    Like

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