Loquat compote and death by millennial song lyrics

LoquatOver Memorial Day weekend I drove to a barbecue and on the way listened to Spotify’s “Discover” playlist they made for me. Generally this involves me skipping through most of the fucking garbage they try to feed me, but often I save one, sometimes two, songs to my “Brand-New Faves” playlist.

First, this mellowish song with potential transitioned into this lyric:

Sweet dreams turns into fucking in the morning

OK. I’m not a prude, but I believe in using those kinds of word sparingly and for effect. Ahem.

Then the rap interlude:

Fucking in the morning
Fucking in the morning
I don’t wanna wake you
I just wanna watch you sleep
It’s the smell of your hair
And it’s the way that we feel

“Feel” pronounced “fail” so it, you know, rhymes.

I’ve never felt comfortable like this

OK. Fine.

Ay we back though
The sun’s still there, look
Good morning, baby, didn’t mean to wake you

I BELIEVE YOU DID, SIR.

But the buy-in is your precious time and my temptation
Never mind that, I guess I’ll climb the ladder later
‘Less you try and put your back on me then I’ma take it

Somewhat more Dan Quayle than André 3000, but OK. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)

What is this, macchiato you tasting?

Macchiato?

Caffeinated your body, I swear that y’all only stay up
Grab a towel, she need it

NO

Now she open again

NO. PLEASE STOP.

She say my stroke is a scone

What are you talking about?

I let that soak in her bean

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

I looked at my phone while I was driving. The song, by Miguel, is called “Coffee (F***ing).” It’s official: THE KIDS ARE RUNNING OUT OF METAPHORS FOR SEX.

I skipped ahead. The next song also began promisingly. This one was called “Tessellate” by Ellie Goulding. Then I heard this:

A triangle is my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet

I PULLED MY CAR OVER. And I sat on the side of the road for a full five minutes, going over the shape of a triangle in my head. Had it been long enough that I’d forgotten how many sides a triangle has? Was I missing something? Was this a metaphor?

I rewound the song. Well, you know. I put my fingertip on the thing that AAAAARGH. And I listened again.

A triangle is my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet

Maybe she was saying “lives”? I looked up the lyrics on the Internet. No. Ellie Goulding was saying “lines.” I sat back and I thought HARD.

When I took the GRE, I got a 65 percent on the math, although I got a 98 percent on the verbal and a 91 percent on the logic (a FLUKE — I literally — and I mean LITERALLY — guessed the last eight questions in the last 30 seconds, FEELING what might be the right answer, and I got a 91 PERCENT. Fuck you, ALL CHILDS LEFT BEHIND). But still. Math has never been my jam.

Also, in addition to being unskilled at math and clarity, I have a habit of being INSUFFERABLY SELF-RIGHTEOUS ABOUT BEING RIGHT. I have given countless drivers and tourists wrong directions with the most dismissive confidence only to realize seconds after they’ve driven or walked away that I’ve sent them in the exact opposite direction, even after living in the same city for EIGHTEEN YEARS. I am a liability on a hiking trail, and, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve dated approximately one thousand people and I’m still SINGLE AND CHILDLESS AT 39.

I pulled off the parking brake. I pulled into traffic, and I continued on to the barbecue, feeling jarred but relatively certain that a triangle is made up of three points and three lines.

Right?

UPDATE: The three points and two lines thing has been explained to me. I maintain that it’s unclear. Still, I have other qualities! These include:

  • 98 PERCENT ON THE VERBAL
  • Total recall of every detail ever shared about every ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends
  • A lack of shame. The blog post STAYS UP.

For loquat compote, you need:

  • A loquat tree
  • 2 1/2 lbs. loquats from the loquat tree
  • 1 cup granulated sugar

You need to:

  • Pick the loquats.
  • Cut the loquats in half.
  • Remove the loquat seeds and loquat skins.
  • Quarter the loquats.
  • Say loquats, loquats, loquats.
  • “In a medium saucepan, mix the loquats with the sugar. Turn the heat to medium and cook, stirring frequently, until the fruit softens and releases its liquid, about 10 minutes.”
  • Maybe toss 1/2 tsp. cardamom seeds (from about 4 pods), crushed with a mortar and pestle, in with the sugar.
  • “Let cool completely before serving or refrigerating in an airtight container for up to one week.”
  • Or put loquat compote on vanilla ice cream immediately and listen to music that doesn’t suck.

 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. suegranzella says:

    So HAPPY to see a new post today! Keep giggling at the thought of you pulling over and thinking HARD about the shape of a triangle….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Laughing out loud. Enough said.

    Like

    1. Thank you, Kdog!!!

      Like

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