I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes–which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE’S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE–the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me).
WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
On one hand, I’m a Libra, whose sign is the scales. We’re unusually concerned with justice. To wit, an entry from my “Daily Journal” from the second grade, dated January 24, 1984:
Tami brought in a jaguare. It is sort of big. It is very long and the legs on It’s body are almost as long as our little legs. It is a puppet and it makes a sceaching sound. I was lucky. I got to use it. Mrs. Fotos, my teacher, was lucky. She had goten to use it, too. Eight girls and Eight boys didn’t get to use it.
Then there’s this entry from Saturday, February 19, 1984:
Today, when I was playing hop-scotch, I was first in line, and I got up to ten on my first turn. Juileanne got up to ten too but she didn’t get to jump up to ten, pick up her rock, turn around, and come back because the [bell] rang, so I won that game.
As if that’s not enough of a test of who-will-still-be-single-in-31-years, the entry goes on:
For show-n-tell time I will share that Adam poked his eye with a pencil or his finger.
I was very popular in the second grade!
In any case, my obsession with fairness and details explains the cops and lawyers.
But the felons?
Well, Librans also are known to get along with everyone. “Get along with” being code.
As I’ve mentioned before, my criteria for forever love HAS TO IMPROVE from “what’s that like?” To that end, here’s my new list of “must-haves”:
- Mental illness under control
So I’ve been trolling on Match.com again:
As for values, I care about family, Hindu dharma, human/animal rights, social justice and environmentalism. The way I live my life reflects this as I am very mindful of my actions and try to participate in charity activities when I can.
Sign me up!
I am also an ethical vegan and live a sattavic lifestyle. I have been an ethical vegan for over 15 years and I feel very strongly about it.
Hmm. I dated a vegan once. Great sex. No laughs.
It’s an ethical and moral stance that is not open to compromise and the primary reason I am single; in other words, I expect my future partner to be at least an ethical vegetarian.
FUCK. NOTHING MAKES A WOMAN HOTTER THAN “NOT OPEN TO COMPROMISE” AND “I EXPECT MY FUTURE PARTNER.”
Finally, I am the oldest in my family and I have been taking care of my mom and brother since I was a teenager (being from a single-parent family). I am looking for someone who understands and respects that.
Good luck, sir!
I flipped through more profiles and came across this guy:
Mister Pip by Lloyed Jones. Short book so hopefully should be finished with it soon.
SHORT PROFILE HOPEFULLY SHOULD BE FINISHED WITH IT SOON.
And then I came across the way-too-common already-on-the-defensive-in-his-own-profile guy:
in his own words
Looking to meet someone who cares about meaningful monogamous relationships and is looking to build a lifelong friendship. I love deeply and intensely and I give 110% in relationships. Please don’t waste my time.
WHAT ABOUT MY FOUR MINUTES OF READING YOUR PROFILE CAN I GET THAT BACK PLEASE.
But Match.com saved the best for last:
45 year old man | San Leandro, CA
Sometimes, late at night, I filter for profile names with the word “desperate” in them.
NO, I DON’T. BECAUSE NOBODY DOES.
in his own words
I am a divorced dad . My daughter Jessica wants me to find a new mom. She wants her to not yell, or nag, or be mean or mistreat her or me. She wants her to cook everyday and be sweet. She wants her to help her with her homework and take her to classes after school instead of staying home and watching Mexican soap operas.
After reading this profile, I want DESPERATELY to meet this man’s ex-wife. Because somewhere in the Bay Area is a woman who has found fulfillment! Her passive-aggressive husband and needy kid are GONE and she can spend all day doing the only thing that drowns out the marrow-sucking ennui and shattering boredom of life without interruption: WATCH MEXICAN SOAP OPERAS.
This is a kitchen-sink version of a Greek salad and it tastes good with a bottle of wine and a Mexican soap opera.
- Dill, chopped
- Parsley, chopped
- 1 Roma tomato, chopped
- 1 Persian cucumber, chopped
- Feta cheese
- Handful hazelnuts and almonds
- Olive oil
- Red wine vinegar
- Salt and pepper to taste
You need to:
- Pour a glug of olive oil into a pan.
- Sauté the nuts over medium-low heat, turning until they’re a deep brown but not burnt. Careful–it happens fast.
- Scoop the nuts onto a cutting board with a slotted spoon and roughly chop.
- Layer vegetables, including herbs, in a pretty bowl. Crumble feta over. Drop in nuts. Dress with olive oil and a little red wine vinegar.
- Watch a Mexican soap opera, thinking about how much better your life got once you traded in your family for some ME TIME.