Today I sat down with a pen (WHAT’S THAT) and a piece of paper (NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING SILLY) and typed into Google:
“What to do when you’re trying to get pregnant”
I’m not actively trying to get pregnant EXACTLY. But I am currently shtupping someone with a VERY strong jawline, and it’s been a month, so LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED. Just in case it happens (which it never has, because I’ve been a birth control Nazi since the age of 16, and also I don’t exactly have Strong Jawline’s consent YET), I’d like to decrease rather than increase the possibility of birth defects more than they’re already likely by me trying/not trying to get pregnant at THIRTY-NINE AND THREE QUARTERS.
A BabyCenter article called “How to Get Pregnant Fast” came up, and I found myself writing down the following:
“1. Quit alcohol.
2. Quit caffeine.”
I get quitting alcohol. I do. But ALSO caffeine? If you quit both caffeine and alcohol, WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE MORNING and WHAT DO YOU DO AT NIGHT. And if I don’t utilize all the time I’ll be saving by not boiling water, steeping tea, drinking tea, uncorking wine bottles, pouring wine, drinking wine, recorking wine bottles, reuncorking wine bottles to have a little more wine, re-recorking wine bottles, re-reuncorking wine bottles, etc., to write a good novel, as opposed to three mediocre novels, have I failed as a human being?
I completed the list (which includes “Figure out when I ovulate,” after which I fell into a defensive narcoleptic sleep at the thought of creating a spreadsheet). But maybe I should write an article for BabyCenter. Because in July I’m going to Oaxaca, Mexico, for ten days by myself and plan to drink as much mezcal as possible. Now, THERE’S a how-to on how to get pregnant fast. BOOM. PREGNANT.
This is a recipe for plum sauce from Strong Jawline:
Jenny: So how many plums are in it?
Strong Jawline: Ten medium plums. Well, maybe you should say five to ten small or medium plums.
Jenny: Five to ten small or medium plums? Why not five, ten, or fifteen small, medium, or large plums?
SJ: How about two cups of whole plums. Sweet and tart plums.
Jenny: Whole plums go in the cup? Do they go over the rim of the cup?
SJ: Once you get past the plum part the recipe is easy.
Jenny: OK. Two cups.
SJ: Now pit them.
Jenny: Do you cut them? No, you boil them! Right?
SJ: Calm down. Mine were soft enough that I pulled the skins off and squished the pits out. Peel and pit the plums and put them in a saucepan. If they don’t peel easily put them in the freezer.
Jenny: Have you done that?
Jenny: Then I can’t put that. OK. I’ll write “not tested.”
SJ: Oh, also it’s not regular plums. It’s the Asian plums with dark purple leaves.
Jenny: Don’t they all have purple leaves?
SJ: No, actually only one kind has purple leaves. They’re not commercially available.
Jenny: So you have to have this particular tree?
SJ (sighing): Put them in the saucepan. Put it on high until they start to boil. Simmer for, like, twenty minutes to a half hour to get the water out. Add one teaspoon of salt. Maybe more.
Jenny: You think it was more salt?
SJ: Maybe two teaspoons.
Jenny: No way. That’s too salty.
SJ: OK, maybe one teaspoon.
Jenny: Was there anything else in it? Was it just plums and salt?
SJ: And two tablespoons of honey. And half a teaspoon of chopped rosemary.
Jenny: Oh, right! Rosemary. Um. How did you get the rosemary out?
SJ: What do you mean?
Jenny: The sauce didn’t have any specks in it.
SJ: Oh. It was finely chopped. Maybe you should say “half a teaspoon of finely chopped fresh rosemary.” And then simmer it for a half hour.
Jenny: Do you want to have a baby?
Jenny: So you simmer it for half an hour?
For bright, fresh salty plum sauce, you need:
- One Asian plum tree with dark purple leaves, not commercially available
- 2 cups plums
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon finely chopped fresh rosemary
You need to:
- Pit and skin the plums by squishing them. If this doesn’t work, put the plums in the freezer for an indeterminate amount of time and then squish to pit and skin them (not tested).
- Put the plums in a saucepan over high heat.
- Reduce for 20-30 mins. Add a few skins back in.
- Add 1 tsp. salt and 1/2 tsp. finely chopped rosemary.
- Simmer 30 mins.
- Chill and serve with hard farmer’s cheese and a fresh country loaf.
- Stop drinking and figure out when you ovulate.