Minestrone and “SWM-53 seeks Girlfriend or Wife. Free rent, power, cable, wifi & food”

MinestroneJune 16, 2016: Posted on Atlanta Craigslist in Housing > Rooms & Shares*

SWM-53 seeks Girlfriend or Wife. Free rent, power, cable, wifi & food

[WHAT I WANT]: I’m seeking a non-smoking female that’s probably size 14 or smaller.

I LIKE A MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS IN A WOMAN AND ISN’T AFRAID TO POST IT IN ROOMS & SHARES ON CRAIGSLIST.

Look at the pic [aka meme] above with the 5 women. For me #1 and #2 are ok but #3 is too large. Petite and skinny are ok also. You should be no taller than 5’10 [because I’m 5’10], drug, disease and drama free [as I am] and have no kids that must come with you [I have none].

You will live in my nice 1967 brick ranch home with me as my girlfriend and possibly be my wife later if you want.

LOOK INTO MY EYES. YOU WILL LIVE IN MY NICE 1967 BRICK RANCH HOME WITH ME AS MY GIRLFRIEND.

I’m NOT looking for JUST a roommate.

CROSS-POSTING IN CREEPY MOTHERFUCKERS MAY HELP YOUR SEARCH

I’m looking for a Girlfriend/Lifetime companion to do the following with: cuddle while watching movies, shop for groceries, cook, eat, trade massages, kiss, go to concerts, go walking, etc.

PERHAPS A CHART OR CHORE WHEEL MIGHT HELP US NAIL DOWN WHICH DAYS I MIGHT BE REQUIRED TO WATCH A MOVIE, KISS, EAT, AND GO WALKING.

You must not be an alcoholic, not into illegal drugs, not smoke, not have unresolved felonies and not have a warrant out for your arrest.

ALL MY FELONIES ARE RESOLVED.

Other than that we can talk about past issues BUT, you must be honest from day one. That means starting with first contact, not a week or month later. I’ve had Private Investigator training so I’ll do a background check.

MANY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS BEGIN WITH A BACKGROUND CHECK.

Females of any race will be considered but you must speak decent English.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO COME UP WITH A WITTY RETORT FOR 37 HOURS BUT MOSTLY HAVE BEEN STARING AT MY SCREEN.

If your English is bad, we won’t work out. I’m NOT concerned about what kind of job you have [if any] at the time we meet [retired, self-employed, unemployed, Sonic, Walmart or whatever]. You might even be on SSI/SSD or waiting on a Social Security Disability claim because of Anxiety, Crohn’s, Depression, Fibromyalgia, OCD or whatever.

YOUR BENEVOLENCE ASTOUNDS MY LOVE

I’m sorry but we all know what we want and I’m just stating my specifics up front to save time.

DO NOT BE SORRY MY LOVE

I hope you can appreciate/respect that as many ladies have emailed to say they wish all guys were as upfront as I am.

I WAS JUST WRITING YOU AN EMAIL!!!

Most guys have just as many preferences as me but they just usually do not put them all in their ad.

[ABOUT ME]: I’m basically retired but I’ve started selling premium concert tickets this year. I’m a 53 year old [town in the American South] homeowner. I listed myself as age 49 in the personals to get views from ladies that type in “49-52” as their max when they do searches, because I look younger than my age in most people’s opinion. Plus more views increase my chances of meeting the right lady.

THIS LONG EXPLANATION CONFUSES ME INTO FORGETTING YOUR PARAGRAPH ABOUT HONESTY (SEE ABOVE).

I’m a straight Single White Male, 5’10” tall, with no kids or pets. I have no tattoos or piercings but if you do that’s fine. Considering the sentimental value of me being in the house I grew up in and the facts that I’ve lived in [town in the American South] all of my life, known and trust the neighbors for over 20+ years AND it is paid for, I never plan to move from my current home. So if you never plan to move from your place, even if we fall in love, we are not a match unfortunately. I own the house free and clear, in my name only, so I have no rent or mortgage payment. It’s a 3 bedroom with 2 full baths, full basement, double carport,

DOUBLE CARPORT SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

central AC/heat and 2 driveways. It’s in a safe neighborhood 11 miles outside of the I-285 perimeter at exit 267A [Canton Rd].

THE FBI ALSO HAS ACCESS TO THE INTERNET AND MAPS

My house is fully furnished with 2 couches, 3 beds, washer & dryer and everything we need.

DO YOU HAVE A CRAWL SPACE TO PUT ME IN WHEN I’M BAD

I have a 42″ Vizio TV on the wall in the living room but I plan to upgrade this year to 65″ with 4K UHD [A man with goals! 😉 ], then the Vizio will go in the master bedroom and the 27″ there goes to the kitchen.

I WANT ALL THE TVS ON FULL VOLUME MAYBE ON SUNDAYS WHEN WE ARE EATING AND TRADING MASSAGES

I have a nice white remodeled kitchen with a large fridge/freezer, dishwasher, glass top stove and built in oven. The cement floor back porch has been fully enclosed with carpet, paneling, a triple window, drapes, lights and a HVAC vent. It’s a nice room for a pool table, workout equipment, photography studio, massage tables, a large hot tub/jacuzzi or an office depending on what business you are in [if any] or what type of business you might want to start with me [if any]. Join me and let’s decide what we want to do!

I WANT A CRAWL SPACE

I have no bed bugs, rodents, fleas or roaches by the way!

JUST AS I THINK OF A QUESTION YOU ANSWER IT.

The house is sealed up pretty tight and I spray around the outside once a year [Free pest control service! 😀 ]

IS IT SEALED UP TIGHT AROUND THE CRAWL SPACE

Even though I’m basically retired, I get by since I only have 7 bills a month and I owe no money to any person, company or bank. I’m a blue jeans a sneakers kind of guy and NOT a slacks, coat and tie guy. I basically do not drink alcohol [only 2 drinks in 2015] but if you do that’s ok [no alcoholics]. I have no kids so I expect you to have none that must come with you [I’m sorry].

DO NOT BE SORRY MY LOVE.

I’m caring, compassionate, considerate, dependable [but often late leaving the house a few minutes], detailed [in case you can not tell yet!] gentle, intelligent, loyal, outspoken, reasonable, touchy-feely, trustworthy and witty. I know that trust AND proper communication are 2 of the biggest keys to any type of relationship.

ALSO BACKGROUND CHECKS

I think adults should talk things out sensibly when an issue comes up and never hang up the phone mad or go to bed angry.

ALSO DO BACKGROUND CHECKS ON EACH OTHER

I know I’m not handsome, BUT, I’m not expecting gorgeous either so please do not be shy/timid.

THE FBI ALSO HAS ACCESS TO THE 21 PICTURES YOU’VE POSTED OF YOURSELF, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR OPINIONS ON GUN CONTROL, AND FIVE BODY TYPES SO TYPES 3, 4, AND 5 CAN SELF-SELECT OUT

If you do not try, you’ll never know what could have been. I sometimes like to buy my lady flowers, cards and gifts for no reason at all plus I never forget Anniversaries, Birthdays or Valentine’s Day!

DO YOU THROW THE FLOWERS, CARDS, AND GIFTS INTO THE CRAWL SPACE

[BONUSES]: You’ll have the whole front bathroom to yourself.

I AM BOOKING MY PLANE TICKET.

You’ll not have to pay for rent, wifi, power, cable TV [I have all 8 HBO channels]

I AM SHAVING MY LEGS ABOVE THE KNEE.

garbage service

I AM DABBING JEAN NATE BEHIND MY EARS.

or food! I have a Sam’s Club Premiere Membership too but I’m sure that is not what seals the deal for you! 😀

NO MY LOVE IT’S THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

If you do not have a car, we can get you 1 by web searching.

ONE CAN FIND AMAZING THINGS ON THE WEB.

I also have 2 friends that own used car lots and a few others that work for dealers. If your credit is bad I can teach you how to rebuild it. If you have no credit score we can build it pretty quick.

SUCH AS OPENING TEN CREDIT CARDS IN MY NAME

More bonuses: I buy and resell “Premium” concert tickets so you’ll get to see some great shows with great music! I have a pair of 2016 Atlanta Falcons season tickets [make an offer on any games].

YOU CAN LIVE IN MY HOUSE FOR FREE BUT NO FALCONS TICKETS FOR YOU.

I also have 2017 season tix for both the Falcons AND Braves at their new stadiums! Did I mention I have a Sam’s Club Premiere Membership yet?! 😉 [wink]

YOU DON’T NEED TO WRITE “WINK” DARLING I SEE THE EMOJI

[SEX]: I’m NOT into cyber sex, phone sex or sexting to name just a few.

A FEW WHAT

I’m straight, not bisexual.

THAT’S WHAT STRAIGHT MEANS

I like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing and massages. I use condoms to avoid STDs/STIs. When we decide to date exclusively I expect you to go get tested with me at my expense.

FORCED STD TESTING IS OK IF YOU’RE PAYING FOR IT.

[RELIGION]: I’m a Christian and attended services regularly until about age 18. I was baptized in May of 1974. I do pray every so often but do not know the Bible well and have not attended any services in many years. Many hypocrites are in the pews every Sunday and a person does not have to attend services to get to Heaven in my opinion. Being in church does not make you a Christian just as being in a garage does not make you a car! 😀

IS THE CRAWL SPACE IN THE GARAGE

[POLITICS]: I’m Pro-Gun

I GUESSED THAT A FEW MINUTES AGO.

and I’ve had a carry permit for about 26 years. You can not get a carry permit if you are crazy, have a felony or even a violent misdemeanor, so that right there basically let’s you know I’m safe and sane.

ORLANDO SANDY HOOK COLUMBINE CHARLESTON ATATURK PARIS SAN BERNARDINO

My record is clean except for several speeding tickets and a V.K.O. [Violation of Knife Ordinance] citation in the 80s.

WHAT’S A VKO CITATION AMONG FRIENDS

I’m not a hunter or a member of the NRA. I’m Pro-Life but I “do” think abortion should be legal in cases of rape, incest and the mother’s health issues.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION.

I’m mostly conservative and lean mostly to the right but I do have some liberal viewpoints.

PLEASE ELABORATE. PLEASE.

If you lean to the left that’s ok. If you’re a vocal liberal then we are probably not a match.

AND YET I MUST KEEP READING.

Dr. Phil says “Every relationship is a negotiation” AND “Basically everything is negotiable”. So, let’s negotiate. Email me now please.

YOU DID SAY PLEASE.

Please change the subject line so my emails sort better in Gmail.

ANYTHING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE PARTNER SEARCH EASIER MY LOVE

It’d be great [not required] if you attach a few pics in your first email, and not just face shots. Lingerie or bikini pics are not required but I do not mind them 😉 [wink]

I’M TAKING NAKED PICTURES RIGHT NOW

My emails/notifications do not go to my cell so you can email me anytime without disturbing me.

GOOD I WAS WORRIED ABOUT DISTURBING YOU RATHER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND

I’m not clicking on any links but if you send your FB info I will look you up.

AND DO A BACKGROUND CHECK

I’ve had no dates and have not even even talked or texted on the phone with a potential match this month.

THIS SURPRISES ME.

I live alone and I’m a total free agent waiting for an email.

The End

UPDATE: June 29, 2016: This posting has been flagged for removal.

*Special thanks to Angie Zimmerman for knowing what I like and giving it to me.

This classic minestrone adapted from Saveur doesn’t look like much, but it tastes great and makes enough for a week of single, childless lunches.

You need:

  • 1 oz. dried porcini mushrooms
  • 14 lb. swiss chard
  • 14 lb. spinach
  • Salt
  • 2 small zucchini, diced
  • 2 medium white potatoes, peeled and diced
  • 2 Japanese eggplants, peeled and diced
  • 2 TB. extra-virgin olive oil (PLEASE NOTE: The last time I made this I accidentally put in 1/2 cup olive oil and it tasted AMAZING.)
  • 2 cups tubetti pasta, whatever that is
  • 2 cups cooked white beans
  • Freshly ground black pepper
  • 2 TB store-bought pesto unless you feel like cleaning out your food processor

You need to (most text from Saveur):

  • Soak mushrooms in 2 cups warm water until soft, about 20 mins.
  • Remove mushrooms, rinse, chop, and set aside.
  • Pour mushroom water through a coffee filter and reserve.
  • Wash chard and spinach in several changes of cold water.
  • Trim and discard stalks from chard and stems from spinach. Chop leaves.
  • Bring mushroom water and 6 cups salted water to a boil in a large pot.
  • Add mushrooms, chard, spinach, zucchini, potatoes, eggplant, and olive oil.
  • Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 1 hour.
  • Add pasta to soup. Cook pasta for about 10 mins.; add beans and cook 5 mins. longer. Stir in 2 TB. pesto and season with salt and pepper.
  • Add grated parmigiano-reggiano (if you want).

 

10 Comments Add yours

  1. suegranzella says:

    I lost count. Each line — both his, and yours — is perfect! Chore wheels, “and wife — if you want”, unresolved felonies, bed bugs, Sam’s Club, double carports, crawl spaces — PERFECTION! I lost count of how many times I woke up the dog with my laughing….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Internet provides. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you sure all your felonies have been resolved? Thanks for brightening my morning, Jen Jen. I have to say, I kind of started to like this guy…. Is that wrong of me?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After his comment about knowing he wasn’t good-looking, I will admit I thought DAMMIT. DO NOT MAKE ME LIKE YOU EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Good. God. Horrifying! Hilarious! I want to take a shower after reading! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Only the best dating profiles inspire immediate hygiene! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Barbara Casler says:

    Well, I should be doing SO MUCH MORE with my time today but I just treated myself to this!

    Now, I will take my happy face into the bedroom and start packing for Maui.

    Loved every word and am wishing you all the best in your search. Although, if I were a selfish friend, I would NOT be wishing you the best as it might mean the end of all these exciting posts from you.

    Love,

    Barbara

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Barbara! It truly is a heartbreaking choice — true love or online popularity. What to do?? Have a great time in Maui!!!! xoxoxo

      Like

  5. I just reblogged this. Hope that’s okay. I haven’t laughed this hard in ever so long. Thank you.

    Like

    1. Heidi, I’m thrilled! And so, so pleased to have made you laugh. Thank you so much for reblogging. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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