So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in … with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT. And I looked in shock at the exact same bikini picture I have on my current Match.com account. And read what I’d written.
Things are not looking good for becoming un-childless and single at 39! Because besides the fact that I look like Peter Sellers, this is my old Match.com profile in full:
I’m a writer and a creative writing teacher with a big heart
EXCEPT WHEN YOU’RE A PETTY FUCKING ASSHOLE REMEMBER WHEN YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY ACROSS QUINCY, ILLINOIS, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO BANG ON YOUR FRIEND’S DOOR BECAUSE SHE’D BORROWED YOUR PEN AND YOU WANTED IT BACK RIGHT NOW
and a full, happy life looking for a friend and lover
WHAT ARE YOU A TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY FEMINIST SCION TRAVELING IN ARABIA WHO USES THAT WORD
with spirit, wit, smarts, and a generous heart (and perhaps some extra quarters).
If you have a sense of humor about yourself, we’ll jibe. If you know how to use the word “jibe,” we’ll jibe.
I dated someone once because his online handle was the name of an obscure Virginia Woolf character –geek/snob! 🙂
I HATE YOU
I’ve also dated my share of construction workers and football players.
IF YOU’RE A CONSTRUCTION WORKER OR A FOOTBALL PLAYER DO NOT SELF-SELECT OUT FROM SHEER SHAME MY LOVE BECAUSE I’LL COME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL
I only care that you have heart — being cuddly and affectionate doesn’t hurt, of course. Still, I’m mostly interested in passionate people who have weird hobbies, and it’s kind of important that you’re a reader (or play guitar, or take photographs, or draw).
I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND’S NICKNAME FOR YOU WAS MIMI NOW-NOW
I moved to San Francisco in 1997 for an internship with Mother Jones magazine, fell in love with the ocean air and jasmine and Monterey cypress,
went back to Evanston to finish journalism school, and moved here in 1998. During the dot-com boom I worked as a magazine editor, a copy editor, a fact checker, and a newspaper reporter all over the Bay until going back to school to get an MFA in creative writing.
TELL THE INTERRUPTING COW JOKE ANYTHING BUT A LIST OF PREVIOUSLY HELD JOBS
I wrote a collection of stories that won a prize and was published, and I published other stories.
FOR A PUBLISHED WRITER THIS ISN’T GOING VERY WELL
In the meantime I moved a jillion times: Upper Haight, Twin Peaks, Castro, Noe Valley, Bernal, Western Addition (that was fun back in the day), Tenderloin, Outer Sunset, Lower Haight, and the Mission, with a stint teaching Native arts majors in Santa Fe.
NOTHING GETS A MAN HOTTER THAN A LIST OF NEIGHBORHOODS
ALSO, THE WORD “STINT”–SO JOCULAR!–SOUNDS LIKE THE NOISE ONE MAKES WHEN ONE HAS SOMETHING UP ONE’S NOSE AND IS TRYING TO SNEEZE IT OUT.
I got married and divorced many years ago. The ex and I are just fine.
THE EX IS EXTREMELY IRRITATED WITH YOUR BLOG AND HAS TOLD YOU SO IN PERSON AND OVER TEXT MESSAGE.
I’ve worked for myself since 2008, teaching creative writing, editing for private clients, and doing child care.
SWEET RELIEF I WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL UNMOORED WITHOUT A SECOND LIST OF JOBS
I grew up overseas, in Saudi Arabia and Wales, as well as in a small, Mississippi River town, where my brother and I were the third generation
“THIRD GENERATION” IS INTERESTING ONLY IF YOU’RE A KENNEDY, A ROTHSCHILD, OR A CARNEGIE AND EVEN THEN IT’S FUCKING OBNOXIOUS. EXCEPT DINNER IS PROBABLY ON THEM. BECAUSE DINNER IS DEFINITELY NOT ON YOU, WRITER, COPY EDITOR, AND CHILD CARE WORKER
of our family, but I started traveling in earnest in 2009. I’ve backpacked and camped all over California and beyond. Here’s the international list:
EVERYBODY LOVES A LIST!
China, Norway, Venezuela, Cyprus, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Italy, Mexico, Belize, England, Ireland, Korea (sort of), Sicily, Turkey, Indonesia, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, and Cambodia. I learned to scuba dive (safely and with wonder) and drive a motorcycle (recklessly and with a poor excuse for a helmet).
WELL. THAT’S KIND OF CUTE.
I just moved to East Oakland and have discovered Knowland Park. I love watching airplanes trace the night sky.
HOLY SHIT. NO.
I believe in partnership, self-knowledge, honesty, and trust.
IS IT POSSIBLE THESE ISSUES HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM IN THE PAST
The ability to care for someone else starts with the ability to care for oneself,
IN DATING, THIS SENTENCE IS KNOWN AS A “RED FLAG.”
and both are very attractive qualities! I would love to meet someone close to my age who wants to start a family.
GOOD LUCK NO ONE YOUR AGE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE YOUR AGE TO HAVE KIDS WITH. EVEN MORE TRUE NOW THAT YOU’RE 39, BY THE WAY.
And since I’m looking for family-minded folks, I’m fine with just being friends for now 🙂
YOU ARE EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH GRAY AREA.
Camping, Coffee and conversation, Cooking, Dining out, Fishing/Hunting,
YOU FISHED ONE TIME. WAIT. TWICE.
Hobbies and crafts,
Movies/Videos, Museums and art, Music and concerts,
EVEN WHEN YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SEE PRINCE LAST YEAR SINCE YOU ALWAYS SAID IF YOU EVER WENT TO A CONCERT AGAIN IT WOULD BE PRINCE YOU OPENED UP A BROWSER WINDOW ON YOUR COMPUTER IN PREPARATION TO BUY TICKETS THE SECOND THEY WENT ON SALE AND AT THE LAST MINUTE YOU DECIDED FUCK IT YOUR IRRITATION WITH CROWDS WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEEING PRINCE LIVE AND THEN BOOM. NO MORE PRINCE.
Exploring new areas, Nightclubs/Dancing,
YOU’RE ONLY INTERESTED IN NIGHTCLUBS IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY GETTING LAID IN THEM OR HIGH ON COCAINE (BOTH IS IDEAL) BUT OTHERWISE YOU ARE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PEOPLE STILL GO TO CLUBS BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TO A CLUB IN TEN YEARS EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME AND YOU BROUGHT A 26-YEAR-OLD HOME YOU FUCKING BALLER
I exercise 3-4 times per week
Dancing, Running, Soccer,
ONE SEMESTER OF PLAYING FULLBACK IN GRADUATE SCHOOL DOES NOT COUNT AS PLAYING SOCCER
Favorite hot spots
Mill Valley and Mt. Tam trails. Lake Merritt. Grand Lake Farmers Market.
FUNNY EVERYONE ELSE IN OAKLAND SAYS THE SAME FUCKING THING
I listen to old Milt Jackson records;
steal olives from olive bars.
YOU SHOULD STOP NOW AND PUNCTURE YOUR UTERUS WITH A CHOPSTICK.
Sopa Azteca is a Mexican dish I tried in Oaxaca that’s relatively easy to replicate at home. The following is adapted from a Rick Bayless recipe. You need:
- 1 dried pasilla chile, stemmed and seeded (available at Mexican markets)
- 1 15-oz. can diced tomatoes
- 2 TB olive oil
- 1 med. white onion, sliced 1/4-inch thick
- 3 garlic cloves, peeled
- 2 quarts chicken broth
- 1 large epazote sprig (available at Mexican markets)
- 2 cups shredded, cooked rotisserie chicken
- 1 large ripe avocado, pitted, scooped, and cut into 1/4-in. cubes
- 1 1/2 cups shredded Mexican melting cheese (like quesadilla or asadero) (available at Mexican markets)
- 4 cups roughly broken tortilla chips
- 1/2 cup Mexican crema (available at Mexican markets) or sour cream
- 1 large lime, cut into wedges
- Bunch cilantro, de-leaved
You need to:
- Roast the chile briefly by turning it an inch or two above an open flame for a few seconds (or toast it in a dry pan over medium heat, pressing it flat for a few seconds, and then flipping it over and pressing it again).
- Break the chile into pieces and put in a blender with the tomatoes with their juice.
- Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring frequently, until golden, about seven minutes. Transfer to the blender.
- Process until smooth.
- Return the pan to medium-high heat. When it’s quite hot, add the puree–CAREFULLY THIS SHIT WILL POP UP AND BURN YOU–and stir nearly constantly, until thickened to the consistency of tomato paste, about six minutes.
- Add the broth and epazote. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer for 15 minutes.
- Serve the soup in bowls, and serve the other ingredients separately, from which you put the chicken, avocado, cheese, tortilla chips, cilantro, and crema into the soup. Yum!