Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

Sheet cake

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger.

In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)

This is not as Bohemian as it sounds. I actually like the prime candidate, Strong Jawline, my provider of intercourse for the last three months who only has one foot-long scar and responded to OK Cupid’s “six things I could never do without” with:

-Monster trucks
-Sending dick picks
-Photographing animals wearing clothes
-My collection of inspirational posters with captions like “AMBITION” and “SUCCESS”

See?

Also, recently I found this entry from my (other) secret blog:

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 2006

my goals for the new year:
1. no more naked handstands.
2. pay attention when other people speak.
3. pay attention when i read.
4. be a good person.
5. eat as much pastrami as i want.
6. take the dog for more walks.

THIS DOG IS NOW DEAD.

7. have more flowers in the apartment.
8. stop trying to make out with people i’m not married to.

NOPE.

9. remain married.

NOPE.

So, priorities change. And my other options are on MeetMindful, a dating website whose tagline is “…that soul-deep, electrifying connection.”

NO

MeetMindful recently sent me an email with the subject line:

Are relationships your drug of choice?

Normally, even though I paid for the site, I read their subject lines and immediately delete the emails. But not this one. Because truth. I read on.

Happy Wednesday, Purveyors of Purpose!!

MOTHERF&#*ER. NO.

(WANT TO FIGURE OUT IF SOMEONE WAS BORN AFTER 1990? COUNT THE EXCLAMATION POINTS.)

As a MeetMindful member, you know that any old relationship simply will not do

FALSE. SEE 1993-2013.

—it’s why you’ve invested the time and energy in yourself before diving headfirst into dating.

NO JUST HEADFIRST. SEE SENTENCE 1 (ABOVE).

Because without the proper self-awareness, without the proper self-love, dating can become as unhealthy an addiction as any.

I TAKE IT YOU’VE NEVER SNORTED COCAINE OUT OF THE FILTER OF A PARLIAMENT LIGHT OR EATEN IT BECAUSE IT WAS TOO WET TO SNORT.

And you are WORTHY of fierce, amazing, magical love.

I WANT A MAN WHO WILL PULL MY HAIR NOT THE FUCKING SORCERER’S APPRENTICE

Mickey_Mouse

The email linked out to an article whose first three lines were the following:

Whether we want to build a spiritual connection with someone we’re in relationship with, or with someone we’ve yet to meet… the work starts with self.

YAWN CAN I FILTER FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS A MATCHING 401(K)

We all want to find that perfect partner, to spend our lives with someone who is not only our lover but our best friend.

DATING TROPES IN THE GUISE OF CIRCUMVENTING DATING TROPES BUT OK

We want to have an enlightened connection that transcends the mundane and shines of a deeply spiritual connection.

NOPE. I WILL SETTLE FOR HEALTHY SPERM.

Current trends in dating make it feel like a rat race filled with a plethora of tips and tricks for snagging a keeper that usually require each of us to come painfully close to (and sometimes over the edge of) compromising ourselves.

HOLY KITTEN SHIT THAT’S SEVEN PREPOSITIONAL PHRASES IN 42 WORDS

Though I am no longer dating,

FUCK OFF

I am coaching and doing readings daily for men and women who are struggling to make any sense of this crazy dating landscape.

FUCK OFF BLOODSUCKER

This process is about attracting people who are in line with our most authentic and strongest self and building a luscious and healing connection which stands the test of time.

NOPE. SPERM.

It’s not about creating superficial illusions or wearing a mask.

AS OPPOSED TO NON-SUPERFICIAL ILLUSIONS NEVERMIND OK I’M LISTENING

Here are five ways you can begin to lay the foundation on a more conscious and empowering form of dating and interacting with your relationship that I have seen work wonders in my clients but also in my own relationship.

I PASSED OUT DURING THE THIRD PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE BUT I WAS PROMISED A LIST.

1. Foster and practice depth in ourselves.
Respecting ourselves means that we don’t put our desire for a relationship above listening to our own heart, body, mind, spirit and honoring the messages received. Do not demean yourself or put yourself down but rather see yourself as the divine and sensual being that you are

NEXT

2. Always come from a place of truth

NEXT

3. Foster a deep and unending desire for knowledge and expansion.

Growth within creates growth within our lives. We attract those in line with our vibration

NEXT

4. Cultivate and practice radical self-love.

DOES THIS MEAN ROUGH MASTURBATION

We must stop ripping apart our thighs

WHOA. I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BUT WHAT YOU SAID IS NOT WHAT YOU MEAN.

our penchant for talking fast,

BUT HOW DO I MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE TALKS

or the fact that we do not look like the models in the magazines (little secret: neither do the models resemble their photos!)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SASSY MAGAZINE CIRCA 1993 I PAID $80 FOR THIS

and instead gift ourselves the sacred love that our bodies, minds, and hearts have seen and done some serious ‘ish and should be loved and respected.

OK NOW YOU LET SPEECH-TO-TEXT TAKE OVER

In order to receive healthy, true and lasting love we must first show it to ourselves, amply.

IN ORDER TO WRITE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES YOU MUST PUT THE BONG DOWN.

5. Make a commitment to feeling good.
When we make a commitment to only seek out those things which feel good and make us happy, we slowly weed

ONE NIGHT IN 2003 I ENDED UP AT SOLSTICE BAR IN PACIFIC HEIGHTS WITH A FRIEND AND LATER WENT TO SOMEONE’S APARTMENT WHERE THE HOST HAD A KITCHEN DRAWER FULL OF JARS OF WEED EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T SMOKE AND WE SAT ON THE LINOLEUM AND SMELLED THEM ALL AND THEN HIS IRISH WIFE AND I BARRICADED OURSELVES IN THE LIVING ROOM BEHIND FRENCH DOORS AND TRADED PUNCHES TO EACH OTHER’S UPPER ARMS UNTIL WE WERE BLACK AND BLUE AND IT WAS SO FREEING

out those people and types of connections that drag us and our relational sectors down.

RELATIONAL SECTORS IS NOT A THING

This is why I like Strong Jawline: These are transcriptions of two conversations we had recently:

SJ: Are you a Kinsey 3 when you watch The L Word?
Jenny: I’m a Kinsey 6 when I watch The L Word. I start thinking, well, maybe I’m pretty much straight. Then I watch The L Word and I’m like, nope.
SJ: I think I’m a Kinsey 2.
Jenny: What? Where does the 2 come in?
SJ: Well, I’m comfortable making jokes about having sex with men.

SJ: Friday Night Lights. That was one of those series when it ended I was like, what am I going to do with my life?
Jenny: WHAT. Who was your favorite character?
SJ: Tim. Timothy Reeder. Streeter. Riggins. Tim Riggins. Is that it?

Tim-Riggins-tim-riggins-26266716-500-313

November 2016, the condoms come off!

For this incredibly moist cake–people, listen: This cake is incredibly moist–from personal chef Kim Smith, via Bon Appétit, you need:

  • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, cut into pieces, plus more for baking dish
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for baking dish
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 tsp. kosher salt
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup buttermilk (REMEMBER: YOU CAN POUR 1TB. WHITE VINEGAR INTO 1 CUP MILK TO MAKE BUTTERMILK BECAUSE WHO HAS BUTTERMILK.)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla extract

For the frosting you need:

  • 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter
  • 3 TB whole milk
  • 2 TB unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
  • 1 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup chopped unsalted, roasted pistachios
  • 1/2 cup raw coconut (THIS WAS MY BRAINSTORM)
  • 1 tsp. flaky sea salt (such as Maldon)

For the cake, you need to:

  • Preheat oven to 350°. Butter and flour a 13×9″ baking dish. Bring cocoa powder, 1 cup butter, and 1 cup water to a boil in a small saucepan; remove from heat.
  • Meanwhile, whisk sugar, baking soda, salt, and 2 cups flour in a medium bowl. Make a well in the center. Add eggs, buttermilk, and vanilla to well. Blend with a fork, then gradually incorporate dry ingredients. Add butter mixture and whisk until smooth. Scrape batter into prepared baking dish and smooth top.
  • Bake until cake starts to pull away from edges of dish and a tester inserted into the center comes out clean, 35–40 minutes. Transfer pan to a wire rack.
 For the frosting, you need to:
  • Just before cake has finished baking, heat butter, milk, and cocoa powder in a medium saucepan over low heat, whisking occasionally, until butter is melted and mixture is smooth (do not let boil). Remove from heat and whisk in powdered sugar and vanilla.
  • Pour warm frosting over warm cake and spread out and smooth with an offset spatula. Top with pistachios and sea salt.

 

 

 

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Kate says:

    Best one yet. Laughing so hard on the plane the guy on the aisle was at first alarmed and then tried to sneak a peak at my phone. I get a gold star for recruitment! Love you Jenny.

    Like

    1. I love you, Kate!! You get a beer for recruitment! 😘😘😘

      Like

  2. suegranzella says:

    Sheer BRILLIANCE! I lost count of how many times I bark-laughed. SO FUNNY I CAN HARDLY STAND IT!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I liked how you went from condoms off to moist cake- but, more importantly: why November? Start NOW

    Liked by 1 person

  4. redboat35 says:

    I laughed and laughed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, brother!

      Like

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