My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know (I SEE YOU EX-BOYFRIEND I TOOK THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH), peeing on a stick to see whether I’m ovulating (NOT YET. UPDATE: FLASHY SMILEY FACE ON THE PEE STICK! SUCCESSFUL SURGE IN LUTEINIZING HORMONE! OK THAT WAS WORTH $41.99), and recording conversations with Strong Jawline, who remains the top candidate to impregnate me (NOVEMBER 2016: SEX WITH A PURPOSE).
Mom: How are your menstrual cycles?
Jenny: My what?
Mom: Well, we’re getting all this information from your blog! Are you … what are you … how are you doing this? I don’t understand what’s happening.
Jenny: I met someone and we’re going to start trying to get pregnant in November.
Mom: Do you have an arrangement? Is he going to be involved?
Jenny: Yes, Mom. We’re going to do this the regular way.
Mom: Well, we’re really excited to be grandparents!
Jenny: WHAT. (IN 39 YEARS MY PARENTS HAVE NOT MENTIONED GRANDCHILDREN A SINGLE TIME. THIS IS THE WOMAN WHO SAID ABOUT WHY SHE HAD KIDS, “WELL, YOUR DAD REALLY WANTED TO HAVE KIDS.”)
Mom: I was thinking after you have it I could come out for a few weeks.
Mom: And we could move out to California.
Jenny: WHAT. NO. I MEAN YES. WHAT.
Too much to process. So, dating sites. For the uninitiated, Match.com yields the highest percentage of douche bags. To wit:
47 year old man | Oakland, CA
Like you, he’d like to have kids someday.
47. SOMEDAY. SIGH. GO ON.
in his own words
I am a down-to-earth guy who loves to be outside when not dwelling in a Dilbert world. I love to play tennis, hike and camp and would like to explore exotic places someday — Egypt, Amazon.
NOTHING GETS ME HOTTER THAN A 47-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH A LIST OF WHAT HE’LL DO “SOMEDAY” THAT INCLUDES “AMAZON” RATHER THAN, FOR EXAMPLE, “THE AMAZON,” WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT HE MEANS BUT WHICH ISN’T THE SAME THING.
I have an old soul but am young at heart
ALSO YOU’RE OLD.
I like fantasy and comic books,
THIS IS ONE WAY TO GET THE WRONG WOMEN TO STOP READING. ALSO EVERYONE.
hard-rock, and romance, action-movies and walks on the beach
DO YOU ALSO LIKE PINA COLADAS
pay per view boxing and flowers for the someone special in my life.
THERE ARE MULTITUDES WITHIN YOU MY LOVE
I have several long-time friends that I’ve known for years – kind of like the show “Friends”.
IS THIS CODE FOR WHITE
She should be smart and sexy,
YET I KEEP READING
kind and trustworthy.
NOW I’M JUST READING FOR FUN
If we meet and only become friends that would be cool too.
EVERYONE SAYS THIS. EVERYONE IS LYING.
MikeShe is her own person and has her own life aside from mine.
DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY JUST TYPE YOUR OWN NAME MIKE
She knows the difference between being flirtatious and playing games.
DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE MIKE
She will put up with me playing tennis on most weekends.
IS THAT SO YOU CAN SEE YOUR LOVER ON THE DOWNLOW MIKE
She is sexy and smart and wants to enjoy life.
RATHER THAN ENJOYING LIFE I WOULD PREFER TO DRILL GOLF PENCILS INTO MY EYES MIKE
PS: Please ladies if you don’t want me to call you then don’t give me your phone number. Also don’t email if you’re still with your ex. This should be obvious. Thanks.
YOU’RE WELCOME MIKE
what he likes to do
1 play a lot of tennis
but also enjoy movies and hanging out with my friends.
DO YOUR FRIENDS INCLUDE MEN NAMED MICHAEL AND DAVID AND GABRIEL
I like hikes through the forest and exploring new places.
DO YOU GO FOR HIKES THROUGH THE FOREST DIRECTLY BEFORE OR AFTER WALKS ON THE BEACH MIKE
Locally I like Marin County and Santa Cruz – ideally somewhere warm.
DO YOU HAVE A FEVER AND THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS MORE COWBELL THESE PLACES ARE NOT WHAT I WOULD CALL WARM MIKE
Futility. So last week I spent the night at Strong Jawline’s house.
SJ: I need more cheese in my life.
Jenny: I have an entire drawer in my refrigerator dedicated to cheese.
SJ: I do, too. But it’s mostly filled with bacon.
WATCHING STRANGER THINGS AFTER DINNER
Jenny: Are they in the underworld?
Jenny: When did that happen?
SJ: When you were talking.
Jenny: (Blank look.)
SJ: I know that doesn’t narrow it down for you very much.
CONVERSATION AFTER WATCHING STRANGER THINGS
SJ: I want to see The Lost Boys again, if only for that opening scene.
Jenny: I was editing a review of it this week, and I had to delete a reference to “the Coreys.”
Jenny (fear seizing heart): Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.
SJ: (Blank look.)
Jenny: COREY FELDMAN AND COREY HAIM.
(Saying it louder has no effect.)
SJ: I know Donald Sutherland’s son is in it.
For this Greek-ish salad, you need:
- Mixed greens from the farmers market
- 1 early girl tomato, chopped
- 1 Persian cucumber, chopped
- 6-8 sun-dried tomatoes (Trader Joe’s!), chopped
- 1 small avocado, chopped
- 1 handful feta cheese, crumbled
- Olive oil
- Salt and pepper to taste
You need to:
- Continue to not ask yourself hard questions about having a baby with a stranger because TIME IS RUNNING OUT WHAT’S THAT SOUND IT’S THE SOUND OF YOUR FALLOPIAN TUBES COUGHING UP DUST AND DEAD MOTHS.