Potatoes with Greek yogurt and sauerkraut and WTF casual sex

potatoes-with-greek-yogurt

Hey Jenny!

HEY

You asked and we listened.

REMIND ME

You told us authenticity is paramount.

I DID NO SUCH THING

You told us being true to your core nature is what lights you up inside.

I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT

You told us transparency in online dating is oh-so-essential.

ALSO ESSENTIAL IS SIDE BOOB BUT OK

We couldn’t agree more.

So starting today, you’ll see first names in place of usernames in all MeetMindful profiles.

WHAT. NO. I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO EMAIL THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE BAY AREA WITH A PICTURE OF ME IN A BIKINI AND MY REAL NAME.

Besides, aren’t all conversations better when you know who you’re talking to?
With love,

Your friends at MeetMindful

TO WHOM AM I TALKING. TO WHOM DO I GO TO REPEAL THIS DECISION.

Nowadays instead of my inbox being full of introductions to “bewellbefree,” “guru,” and “permacultureman,” I have Ty, Chad, Simon, and someone who circumvented the first name requirement by identifying himself as “Tame Impala.”

Fortunately, MeetMindful makes up for this by sending me a weekly relationship article from a roster of completely fucking unqualified “writers.” To wit, last week’s article:

Can Casual Sex Be a Spiritual Experience?

I HOPE NOT THE FACT THAT IT’S NOT SPIRITUAL IS WHAT MAKES IT HOT

I’m a serial monogamist. What I mean by that is I tend to always be in a relationship. I never try to find one, it’s just that they seem to fall in my lap without me having to do a thing.

STFU

I’m … a very spiritual person, and I never felt that hooking up with a virtual stranger could be in line with my idea of conscious dating.

RIGHT. CASUAL SEX IS BY DEFINITION NOT A WELL-THOUGHT-OUT DECISION

I thought that the new norm of sex outside of a relationship was a little sad and lonely-feeling.

BUT IT MAKES YOU APPRECIATE POWER BALLADS BY THE GROUP CHICAGO IN A WAY HAPPY AND FULFILLED PEOPLE WILL NEVER KNOW. (CLICK ON THE LINK. CLICK ON IT. I HAD THIS ALBUM ON MOTHERFUCKING CASSETTE TAPE.)

There couldn’t be any intimacy or spiritual growth in the act of banging some random in the back seat of a car, could there?

APPARENTLY YOU HAVEN’T SEEN SAY ANYTHING WHICH DISQUALIFIES YOU FROM WRITING A RELATIONSHIP COLUMN

When I found myself single in my 40s, I realized that the dating landscape had changed significantly.

OK I’M LISTENING

Everyone was finding partners online. My happily single friends were blissfully unclenching old “hookups are for hos” ideals and waking up sticky and satisfied next to men or women they’d barely just met.

SLUT-SHAMING IS NOT AN ATTRACTIVE QUALITY IN A CONSCIOUS COLUMNIST YET IT IS NOT UNEXPECTED

My first reaction to all of this was to decide that the dating world was slowly turning into a bad porn film,

WOULD YOU TELL US WHERE TO FIND THE GOOD PORN FILM THIS SENTENCE ASSUMES

but after giving in to my curious nature and trying it out for myself,

DISH, MOTHERFUCKER

I changed my mind about casual sex.

I found out that hooking up can be a liberating and healing experience if you do it right.

NOTHING INSPIRES MORE CONFIDENCE THAN A RELATIONSHIP COLUMNIST WHO’S HAD A UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE SLIGHTLY LATER THAN THE REST OF US AND IS NOW ON A MISSION TO TELL US ABOUT IT.

Even though sex outside of a relationship has become normative behavior, especially with Millennials,

ALSO THE ROMANS THE MOORS THE GREEKS EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME FOREVER

there is still a pervasive viewpoint that people who sleep around are insecure sluts with low self-esteem who have no ethics.

YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS

Men who have sex with a lot of women are chauvinist jerks

OR BALLERS

and women who do the same are just trying to trap a boyfriend.

OR BALLERS

There is also a ton of pressure on young people from older generations to find a partner, settle down, and start popping out babies as soon as possible. Monogamy and marriage are the ideal standard, and anything else is frowned upon.

COME TO CALIFORNIA

Casual sex can help us figure out what turns us on, how to share mutual pleasure, and how to be more comfortable with our sexuality.

THE SCALES ARE FALLING FROM YOUR EYES

It can also help us release any guilt that we’ve been carrying because of religious or societal beliefs.

OR IT CAN COMPOUND IT EXPONENTIALLY

This is especially true for women and the LGBT community.

OH HONEY.

THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY FIGURED OUT NON-MAINSTREAM SEXUAL NORMS A LONG TIME AGO.

When we hear the message that our sexuality is sinful or unnatural, we can feel that our choice to experience pleasure from it is shameful.

OR IT’S A HUGE FUCKING TURN-ON. SEE: ANAL SEX, ORAL SEX, GLORY HOLES, THE MILE-HIGH CLUB, ABANDONED PARKING LOT, ABANDONED BUILDING, TEACHER/STUDENT, BOSS/EMPLOYEE, JAILER/JAILEE, THE NANNY, THE BUSHES.

If you think about it, sex is the purest form of creative energy.

AGREED.

Everything biological, from plants to animals, makes new things with it.

PLANTS DON’T HAVE SEX. THEY JUST DON’T.

Human beings have the added benefits of using it to create joy, healing, and spiritual and emotional connections.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Even the basest of encounters can give us an opportunity to evolve.

THE BASEST OF ENCOUNTERS ARE BY DEFINITION A RETURN TO OUR ANIMAL SELVES. SO. NO. NOT EVOLUTION.

If we want to have meaningful, fulfilling sex

NO JUST ORGASMS

then it’s important to lose the ego.

UNLESS YOU ARE ONE OF THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM BEING SUBMISSIVE OR DOMINANT IS PRETTY IMPORTANT

When we use it to satisfy an emotional need to conquer or control,

HOT

because we are under pressure,

HOT

or to fill a void,

HEE HEE

we can get into trouble and create an addiction.

I’M GUESSING YOU GOT PAID $100 FOR THIS. SPEND IT ON A COPY OF THE DSM V.

If you want casual sex, or any sex for that matter, to enhance your spiritual growth, it’s important to bring playfulness into the experience.

ALSO ALCOHOL. SOMETIMES UPPERS.

One of the best things about hooking up is how easy it is to do that. You aren’t bringing any conflicts or manipulative tactics into the picture.

ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS OR ROBOTS

Playing the field helped me see myself a little more clearly.

YOU’RE LEAVING OUT EVERYTHING THAT’S POTENTIALLY INTERESTING ABOUT THIS

I realized that as I aged, I made the choice to play it safe more than I used to. … Once I recognized these things, I took the steps to change them. I became less inhibited

DISH DISH DISH DISH

I also realized that, while hooking up can be a fun and meaningful experience, I prefer sex within a monogamous relationship

WHAT IS THE &%@#??!! POINT OF THIS COLUMN

I can honor the introvert in me that prefers fewer, more intense relationships, without being concerned that I’m trying to stay within the confines of societies idea

“SOCIETIES” IS THE PLURAL OF “SOCIETY” NOT THE POSSESSIVE OF THE SINGULAR “SOCIETY” WHICH IS “SOCIETY’S”

of what’s acceptable.

THIS COLUMN IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. GOOGLE CALENDAR ITEM: SEPT. 19: “CANCEL MEETMINDFUL.”

This dish is for when you’re feeling like a dinner reminiscent of the Scandinavian Great Plains. Or for when you’re single and all you have in your fridge is potatoes, yogurt, and sauerkraut. You need:

  • 1/2 lb. red potatoes
  • 1 TB dried rosemary
  • Olive oil
  • Salt
  • 1/2 cup Greek yogurt
  • 1/2 cup sauerkraut

You need to:

  • Wash the potatoes and pierce them all twice.
  • Put them in a mixing bowl and douse with olive oil, salt, and rosemary.
  • Roast them at 400 degrees until a paring knife goes all the way through the thickest one.
  • Cut and serve with Greek yogurt and sauerkraut, knowing that nothing is as important as getting your probiotics. And your casual sex.

 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. redboat35 says:

    HAhahahahahaha!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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