On Saturday I turned 40. Also on Saturday, the Oakland Medical Center sent me a mammo-gram:
Dear Jenny [last name],
There is new information about the pros and cons of mammograms for women ages of 40-49.
IF THIS EMAIL IS AUTOMATED ANYWAY WHY NOT SET IT FOR THE DAY AFTER A PERSON TURNS 40. BECAUSE THAT’S THEIR BIRTHDAY. I DON’T KNOW JUST A THOUGHT.
Here is a list of things I’ve learned in 40 years:
- “Crash landing” is an oxymoron made up to make you feel better about the fact that you’re 35,000 feet in the air in a tin can. There is no such thing as a crash landing, only a fiery blaze in which no one survives.
- If you lend anybody anything, no matter who the person is or what the thing is, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll never see it again.
- Nine times out of 10, condoms, like USB cords, go on backward the first time.
- Men who brag on online dating profiles about being sarcastic are really unhappy people.
- All kids are not created equal. Some kids are just assholes. It’s not you, it’s them.
- People who say eating something delicious is “naughty” or “bad” are FUCKING ANNOYING. Do not eat with these people.
- Beware of people whose M.O. is “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.” When these people cross your boundaries and then “ask for forgiveness” MAKE THEM PAY MAKE THEM PAY MAKE THEM PAY.
- If you ask someone how they’re enjoying the book they’re reading and they say, “Great! I’m on page [fill in the blank],” put your drink down and walk away. That person is an idiot.
- Every thing you put in your body matters. Be mindful of what you put in your body. Also be mindful of what other people put in your body. Visible warts are a no-go.
- Don’t try to masturbate in class in the sixth grade.
- If you hide money in a book, write down the goddamn title or you will never find it again.
- If you fart loudly during sex and your partner exclaims, “Oh!” just think of the panda sneezing video.
- Passive-aggressive behavior may not be very nice, but it is extremely effective and the only choice if you really want to win.
- If you spill olive oil or red wine on certain fabrics, you are getting what you deserve. You shouldn’t have worn that and eaten that at the same time.
- Vacuum cleaners don’t work.
- Valium works really, really well.
- There is a negative correlation between sense of humor and people with food restrictions.
- Do not use red wine vinegar to try to cure a yeast infection. (Have you ever seen a labium bleed? I have.)
- You have HPV. You just do.
- Special note to millennials: The choices you are making now will WAKE YOU UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIVES.
Here, as they say, is to the next 40 years.
For Dad’s homemade hummus, you still need:
- 2 heaping cups canned chickpeas
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 1/4 cup lemon juice
- 6 cloves garlic
- 2-3 TB tahini
You still need to:
- Put chick peas, oil, lemon juice, garlic, and tahini in a food processor. Blend until smooth, testing periodically for consistency (add oil or the water from canned chickpeas).
- Refrigerate overnight so garlic will blend and become less sharp.
And this is straight from my dad:
“Presentation: Serve in a flat plate that allows hummus to be scooped with slices of soft or toasted pita bread. Before the first dip you can make it look pretty by edging the serving dish with fresh parsley to make a wreath. A design may be made in the center with pitted Kalamata olives. Shake a little paprika around the surface, then lightly oil with olive oil. Once the first dip is made, your initial design will be distorted, but the combination of the salty olives, paprika for color, oil to enhance the hint of tahini, and the occasional sprigs of parsley, bound to lodge in the eater’s teeth, will make this a hummus to be remembered.”