Happy Wednesday, Vibe Tribe!!
We’re always on the lookout for a feel good fix—that sweet little boost of HAPPY.
IS THIS THE KIND THAT COSTS $60 A GRAM
Your vibe attracts your tribe… right? Why not engage with the world at your highest frequency possible?
MY FAVORITE PART IS WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL YOUR MOUTH
But you well know, good vibes are about more than lifting your spirits; they’re about quieting your sometimes-overactive mind, too.
OH. NOT COCAINE.
So look no further than this fresh dose of article magic
to learn what it means to reclaim the frequency you want—look at all the simple, awesome ways to raise your vibration
NO NO NO NO
Last month, in a fit of rage and disappointment, I unsubscribed from all three dating sites but not before assuring I can still, thank god, access all of MeetMindful’s “articles” about relationships, written by completely fucking unqualified “experts” who can’t string a sentence together but who dispense life advice and then fade into paisley patchouli clouds of self-satisfied giggles FUCK YOU I REMEMBER GOING TO YOGA ON A WEEKDAY AND SITTING IN A CAFÉ NURSING A LATTÉ AND WRITING POEMS COMPARING THE LEAVES OF A JAPANESE MAPLE TO A THOUSAND TINY PURSES.
To wit, a recent article about that most elusive of tasks, how to be happy:
Want to boost your happy?
SOMETIMES. ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES LYING IN A DARK ROOM LISTENING TO THE CURE AND CRYING ABOUT BEING 40, CHILDLESS, AND A CAREER COPY EDITOR BRINGS ITS OWN SORT OF PLEASURE.
Yeah, us too!! Check out this sweet little list
DID YOU SAY LIST
of 50 simple things that can raise our happy factor to the max.
I WANT TO RAISE MY HAPPY FACTOR TO THE MAX
It doesn’t take much. It needn’t take much.
OH SO YOU’RE BRITISH NOW
It is better suited to a fulfilling life if it is kept to a simple and uplifting way of being.
THE SUBJECT OF THIS SENTENCE IS UNCLEAR TO ME
Happiness is a metered out emotion that spills from every pore of our bodies,
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME INDICA WITH YOUR SATIVA
is as nature intended, and can get squashed if not nourished. Without going much further into the why’s and the how’s and the what’s
APOSTROPHES ARE USED TO INDICATE POSSESSSION, NOT PLURALITY
of everything that make life so awesome, here are some little nuggets of happy that just might turn your day around.
IF YOU COULD HAND ME A BLOCK OF COCAINE THE SIZE OF A MIDOL THAT WOULD BE PREFERABLE
And, for the record, our inner child may need to show up during any or all of these,
“INNER CHILD” WENT OUT IN THE FUCKING NINETIES. YOUR RELATIONSHIP-ADVICE SPEED-DIAL IS ON RANDOM.
Be curious and let your mind and heart and soul wander.
THIS OFTEN LEADS TO ADULTERY, BUT ADULTERY MAKES MANY PEOPLE HAPPY, IF ONLY FLEETINGLY AND BEFORE THE SHIT HITS THE FAN
1. Listen to the birds. Drown out all other noises and just listen.
A FEW NIGHTS A WEEK I SLEEP NEXT TO A TREE WITH PARROTS IN IT. AS I LISTEN TO THE BIRDS I IMAGINE AIMING A SHOTGUN AT THE TREE, KILLING ALL OF THEM WITH A SINGLE SHOT. ALSO ONCE I THREW A ROCK AT A BIRD THAT WOULDN’T STOP CALLING FOR A MATE BECAUSE ENOUGH ALREADY IF IT’S BEEN A WEEK THIS IS NOT YOUR SEASON.
2. Eat purple cabbage raw, right off the cutting board. Same with purple onion (excellent for your health and immune system).
RIGHT OFF THE CUTTING BOARD, YOU RENEGADE! THEN EAT THE ONION. EAT THE ONION. EAT IT.
3. Sit quietly for 20 minutes.
THIS PROVIDES UNINTERRUPTED TIME TO THINK ABOUT THE REFUGEE CRISIS IN EUROPE, THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM OF LIVING IN A REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY, THE SUGAR LOBBY, THE NRA, AND THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, WHICH BY THE END OF TODAY EITHER WILL DELIVER US THE FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT OR PUT NAZI SPRAY TAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
6. Make a new friend in your neighborhood.
I TRIED BUT HE’S SCHIZOPHRENIC AND BROKE THE SIDE MIRROR ON MY CAR
7. Cuddle closely with your animals—smell their paws and fur, allow their scents to commingle in your skin.
YOU COULD MAKE WAY MORE MONEY LIVE-STREAMING YOURSELF DOING THIS THAN WRITING RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THAT.
9. Spend the entire day barefoot.
OH, I GET IT. YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB.
11. Make funny faces in the mirror.
IMAGINE YOURSELF SAYING THIS OUT LOUD TO A FRIEND, A FRIEND WHO’S DEPRESSED. LISTENING TO HER STORY, NODDING SYMPATHETICALLY, AND THEN SAYING, “I HAVE AN IDEA.”
12. Eat breakfast for dinner, and include a glass of wine with it.
14. Explore something you’ve never seen, in your own back yard.
IS THERE SOMETHING IN MY BACK YARD YOU WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT
15. Watch a butterfly sail through the air.
18. Clean out your office drawers.
RECENTLY I SPENT AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON REORGANIZING MY DESK, PUTTING ALL THE PAPER CLIPS IN ONE CONTAINER AND ALL THE STAPLES IN ONE CONTAINER AND ALL THE PUSH PINS IN ONE CONTAINER AND ALL THE SAFETY PINS IN ONE CONTAINER AND GROUPING THE ELECTRONICS AND GROUPING THE GLUE STICKS AND GROUPING THE KEY RINGS AND GROUPING THE ENVELOPES AND GROUPING THE PENS AND GROUPING THE TAPE AND FINALLY I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE AND I HAD A MASSIVE ORGASM AND THAT MADE ME HAPPY
19. Look back at old photos and draw up memories of the moments.
LET’S OPEN UP THAT WEDDING ALBUM FROM 2005
22. Eat your meal outside, with no technology and nobody watching.
WHAT IF NOBODY IS WATCHING AT FIRST BUT THEN SOMEBODY IS WATCHING DOES IT STILL COUNT
23. Stand in the shallow shore of the ocean and allow the waves to crash at your feet.
ARE YOU FILLING AN ALLITERATION QUOTA BECAUSE DON’T
26. Walk around your house naked and dance in the kitchen.
THEN OPEN A JAR OF OLIVE OIL SINCE YOU’RE IN THE KITCHEN AND POUR IT OVER YOUR HEAD AS YOU SLIP AND SLIDE ON THE FLOOR AND WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE EAT THE TASTY THINGS THAT HAVEN FALLEN INTO THE REFRIGERATOR GRATE
27. Hug a dog or a cat, or a rabbit.
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS BUT RABBITS DON’T LIKE TO BE PICKED UP
28. Volunteer for a day, or a few hours, at a local charity.
DROP IN ON SOME FUCKING POOR PEOPLE FOR A FEW HOURS, DO SOMETHING MINIMAL THAT HAS MINIMAL IMPACT, AND LEAVE FEELING LIKE MOTHER FUCKING THERESA BECAUSE THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS
29. Stop and talk to strangers. Then listen…..
LISTENING TO STRANGERS IN SAN FRANCISCO IS A WHOLE NOTHER BALL GAME SO SOMETIMES YES BUT SOMETIMES NO
30. Eat ice cream whenever.
WHENEVER, YOU CRAZY BITCH! JUST DO IT! GIRL POWER!
32. Get a coloring book and pencils and sketch and draw.
WE NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO ADDRESS THE ADULT COLORING-BOOK PHENOMENON. THERE ARE ONLINE GROUPS FOR ADULTS TO MEET AT A CAFÉ, NOD SHYLY AND SHEEPISHLY AT ONE ANOTHER, AND THEN QUIETLY, FOR AN HOUR, COLOR IN THEIR FUCKING COLORING BOOKS. AN ENTIRE GENERATION LONGS TO REGRESS SO DEEPLY THAT GROUPS FOR FREEZE TAG, HIDE AND GO SEEK, AND BEING MOLESTED BY YOUR GREAT-UNCLE ROY ARE CLOSE BEHIND. AS SOMEONE WHO SURVIVED THE RESURGENCE OF DODGEBALL AND FOR YEARS HAS BEEN DEALING WITH PEOPLE BORN AFTER 1990 WEARING VAN HALEN T-SHIRTS THEY PAID UPWARDS OF $35 FOR, I VOTE NO ON LOOKING BACK AND YES ON LEAPING INTO THE MAW OF THE GREAT UNKNOWN.
35. Pretend you are dressing up for the Oscar awards (roll with me on this one), getting all dolled up and going out to dinner at some dive restaurant.
FUNNY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE TENDERLOIN ON ANY GIVEN DAY: WOMEN DRESSED FOR THE OSCARS WITH MAKEUP SLATHERED ACROSS THEIR FACES SLOBBERING OVER HASH BROWNS IN DINERS. THEY DON’T SEEM HAPPY.
ALSO IT’S THE ACADEMY AWARDS OR THE OSCARS BUT WHATEVERAAAAAARGH
36. Breathe deeply while in traffic jams.
A FEW MONTHS AGO IN A TRAFFIC JAM I FOUND MYSELF SCREAMING, “YOU CUNT BUGGER,” AT ANOTHER DRIVER. I DON’T EVEN FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE CREDIT FOR IT. IT JUST CAME TO ME.
38. Act and be grateful the instant you open your eyes in the morning.
39. Buy flowers for yourself.
YOU FORGOT THE PART ABOUT ATTACHING A CARD FROM A FAKE ADMIRER.
40. Take a pottery class.
SOMETIMES I THINK YOU’RE CUTTING AND PASTING FROM OTHER RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES.
42. Be passionate about something.
43. Take a road trip without a map, only relying on your gut instincts.
NO BECAUSE GAS AND SERIAL KILLERS.
44. Tell someone you love them, and don’t wait for a response. Walk away.
BRILLIANT!!! I MAY ACTUALLY DO THIS, BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE IT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.
For this incredibly tasty and moist banana bread, with melty chocolate chips and both the bite of cinnamon and the tang of salt, courtesy of a coworker (thanks, Carina!), you need:
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp. baking powder
- 1 tsp. baking soda
- 1 tsp. salt
- 3 ripe nanners
- 1 TB milk
- 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
- 1/2 cup butter, softened
- 1 cup white sugar
- 2 eggs
- 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 3 bowls (2 medium, 1 large)
- Hand mixer
You need to:
- Heat oven to 325 degrees. Grease 9×5 baking pan (I keep a half stick of butter in a cute little milk glass dish in my cabinet at all times, and using a paper towel dipped in softened butter is the easiest way to grease a pan I’ve found).
- In medium bowl, mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
- In second medium bowl, mash nanners with milk and cinnamon (a fork works great for this).
- In large bowl, using hand mixer, mix butter and sugar ’til light and fluffy. Tip: Unless you have a huge bowl with high sides (or you’re using a $300 KitchenAid mixer no I’m not jealous), put the bowl in your sink. Clumps of butter will go flying, but if the bowl is in the sink, they won’t go far, and you can add them back to the bowl.
- Add eggs to butter mixture one at a time. Beat until combined.
- Stir banana mixture into butter mixture.
- Stir in dry mixture until blended.
- Fold in chocolate chips.
- Use rubber spatula to scoop into greased loaf pan.
- Bake for about 70 minutes, or until a toothpick/knife/chopstick comes out clean.
- Cool in the pan for about 10 minutes before removing to cool on a wire rack.
- But cut into that baby before it’s completely cool so you can eat hot, runny chocolate chips.
- Pro tip: After eating a single piece, do not leave the rest of the loaf in a gay minivan with a dog. Because the loaf will not be there when you get back from the grocery store, although the van will smell like cinnamon chocolate-chip bread all the way home.