Perfect fried egg and WTF online dating trolls

fried-egg

I have something to confess: I’m happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It’s the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating. I’ve been limping along these past couple of weeks, trying to wreak havoc, but I can’t get this fucking guy to stop being nice to me.

BO-RING.

SJ (my current provider of intercourse) has even given me permission to go on fake dates (WHO IS THIS PRINCE CHARMING), but even I, of limited boundaries, can’t mess with people directly. It’s not that I have a conscience — it’s that I don’t think well on my feet.

Anyway, I’m hoping all this ends in a fiery mess!

For now, I have reminded myself that I have options. Back in May, I got an unsolicited OKCupid email from a man in a different part of the country. Apparently I’d written something about communism in my profile (I don’t remember exactly, but it sounds like me!). This is what it said:

You think communism is good? Wtf is wrong with you? You are a traitor to this nation you should burn at the stake!

GOOD EVENING, SIR. I DUB YOU SIR RUN-ON SENTENCE. LET’S SEE WHAT YOUR PROFILE LOOKS LIKE

My self-summary
Capitalism is the best path to prosperity!

BUT COMMUNISTS MAKE THE BEST BÁNH MI.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED, BUT EVERY TIME I HEAR THE WORDS “BÁNH MI” I GET LIONEL RICHIE’S “SAY YOU SAY ME” STUCK IN MY HEAD WITH THE CHORUS “BÁNH YOU, BÁNH MI.”

What I’m doing with my life
Working, not being queer. Loving the 2nd Amendment!

IT’S TRUE THAT NOT BEING QUEER CAN BE WORK FOR SOME PEOPLE

I’m really good at
Using my tongue!

DO YOU FOCUS ON THE TIP OR THE SHAFT

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Punk Rock & Heavy Metal \m/

I WAS SO HOPING THE INTERNET DIDN’T MAKE YOU UP BUT IT SEEMS IT DID

The six things I could never do without

Air
Food
Water

GENERALLY THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE ANSWERED LITERALLY BUT A SURPRISING NUMBER OF PEOPLE ANSWER THE SAME WAY YOU HAVE

Sex

NOW WE’RE TALKING

Guns

YOU FORGOT CONFEDERATE FLAGS AND YOUR COLLECTION OF SCOOBY-DOO LUNCH BOXES

Masturbation

IT’S POSSIBLE THIS WOULD BE OFF-PUTTING TO SOME WOMEN BUT WHAT DO I KNOW

I spend a lot of time thinking about
How stupid Liberals are, Hillary Clinton as a crook.

DO YOU THINK ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON WHILE YOU’RE MASTURBATING

On a typical Friday night I am
Drinking beer shooting guns

ALSO NOT USING COMMAS

You should message me if
You want to have a debate on which form of Economics is the best.

I WANT TO HAVE A DEBATE ABOUT CAPITALIZATION (NOT THE SAME AS CAPITALISM)

Obviously I would trade SJ for this guy in a heartbeat, but I’ve already committed to $196 worth of progesterone supplements in our quest to get pregnant at 40 (me) and 49 (SJ). Even though we’ve only known each other for six months, and one time at his house he RAN OUT OF OLIVE OIL YOU CAN’T RUN OUT OF OLIVE OIL BECAUSE THEN HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR FOOD, I have decided to stick around and see if this grand science experiment works. (How to spice up your sex life! 1. Refer to it as a “science experiment.”)

To make a perfect fried egg, you need:

  • 1 dollop coconut oil
  • 1 egg

You need to:

  • Put oil in a cast-iron skillet over high heat.
  • When pan is hot, crack egg into it.
  • Keep pan on high until edges of egg are crispy and brown. (If it starts to burn, turn heat down slightly until yolk is cooked.)
  • Enjoy with your favorite bread, butter, and fancy salt!

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