Honey rosemary walnuts and we need to talk about pregnancy sex

walnuts

I dedicate this entry to my parents.

The first time I heard about pregnancy sex was in 2004 when writer friend Michelle Richmond published an article on Salon.com called “Oh baby!: Why didn’t anyone tell me that pregnancy sex is amazing?

I’d never heard of it, mostly because in 2004 I was 28 years old, planning my wedding, and shoveling Zoloft (which should have been my first clue that divorce was 18 months away). I was not, to say the least, thinking about getting pregnant.

Then, for the next 12 years, I didn’t hear about pregnancy sex, because I was off Zoloft but now shoveling copious amounts of birth control and Plan B pills, finally moving to the NuvaRing in my decades-long quest to NOT GET PREGNANT (after each encounter I would chant silently, “No baby, no baby, no baby”).

But my friends were getting pregnant. Plenty of them. And although I do have a bit of a reputation as being the Most Inappropriate as well as the Most Likely to Talk About Sex When No One Else Really Wants To, my friends aren’t shy, either. But not a single one mentioned pregnancy sex.

Maybe I was too busy talking about myself. It’s possible. I have always felt, perhaps wrongly, that people want to hear about my sexcapades. When I was about 8 I tried to teach a neighbor girl how to masturbate (forever after, when I walked over to her house to play, she told me through the screen door that she was “busy.” Another 8-year-old. “Busy”). I tried to masturbate in my sixth-grade science class. I have had orgasms in my sleep. I have had sex in abandoned buildings, cars, offices, boats, hot tubs, pools, tents, hotel rooms, hostels, conference rooms, bathrooms, cabanas, an olive orchard, the woods of Point Reyes, the beach at Alamere Falls, the duck pond at McLaren Park,the Andaman Sea, Norway, China, Laos, Belize, Thailand, Bali, Venezuela, Vietnam, Iceland, Italy (including Sicily), Germany, Cambodia, Chile, England, the Isle of Mann, a church once, and, in all likelihood, your house and your bed.

All of this notwithstanding, I was unaware of and unprepared for the miracle that is pregnancy sex. Because during pregnancy, a whole bunch of blood settles in your nether regions and changes the fucking game.

During the first four weeks of my pregnancy, I felt completely out of sorts — nauseous, tired, emotional, and physically sore: My boobs ached, I was (and still am) completely constipated, and the shower nozzle for rinsing “down there” suddenly made me groan in pain. Again, that should have been my first clue.

During that time Strong Jawline and I managed to have sex twice. It felt like running down a football field, avoiding all the defenders or whatever the shit they’re called, who in this allegory are waves of nausea. We were moving quickly so I wouldn’t barf. But I remember thinking, hmm. That orgasm happened FAST. I’m winded and amazed.

Since then, for the past three weeks, in equal measure, my nausea has waned and my sex drive has reared its small yet mighty head. Dear reader, GET PREGNANT. Not only to have children but to experience the insanity that is pregnancy sex.

It’s instantaneous. It’s intense. It’s eye-crossing. OH MY GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD. And it looks like this:

SJ: (Touches my shoulder in bed)

Jenny: (Orgasms)

SJ: Did you … ?

Jenny: Yep. Want to go again?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last. As one friend who is no longer pregnant recently shared, “The sex now is good. It’s great. But it will never be the same as when I was pregnant.”

Then she cried.

A note about the dangers to your fetus: Apparently there are none. But initially sex and masturbation made me extremely wary, because a woman’s orgasm involves the uterus contracting, and your uterus is where the baby lives. Also, for me, sex leaves me a bit crampy, which apparently is normal. At least one website said about the fetus, “It probably feels like a massage!” Lucky fetus! But guess what: You have to get it while you can, because sex and masturbation are sometimes not recommended in the third trimester because it can induce labor, and preterm labor (before 37 weeks) is no bueno. However, I found ANOTHER website that recommended GIVING yourself an orgasm to induce labor if you want to hurry that shit up. Research: Done!

One more thing: Strong Jawline, who has morphed recently from provider of intercourse to fucking sex god, is redoing his kitchen in preparation for me moving in. This week he sent me before and after pictures of the top of his refrigerator. I call it foreplay. Check this out:

Before:

before

After:

after

Talk about sexy. Ladies, you’re welcome.

For rosemary walnuts, you need:

  • 1 lb. whole walnut pieces
  • 2 egg whites
  • Honey
  • Dried rosemary, ground

You need to:

  • Turn oven to 170–200 degrees.
  • Mix honey and egg whites and rosemary.
  • Coat walnuts.
  • Toast in oven for about 5 hrs. (according to Strong Jawline), until walnuts are tacky and delicious, like me.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. suegranzella says:

    I love your blog SO MUCH! I have given up trying to pick out lines that are especially brilliant. They’re all brilliant. It is perfection. I’m trying not to worry about how you’ll find the time to write once the baby comes. BRILLIANT, I TELL YOU!!

    Like

  2. Susan says:

    Oh Jenny. I’m so happy for you!! But this was not. My. Experience. At all. So consider yourself very fortunate, and enjoy every minute!

    Like

    1. Oh, I am — I am!!!

      Like

  3. Kristianna Gehant Siddens says:

    Um, hilarious. Also for me it was great the first time. Second pregnancy was like OMG don’t touch me. So have fun!! Talk to you tonight!! K

    Like

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