New Year’s Eve Special: Peppermint ice cream and fuck your rating moms’ attractiveness

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I was having a perfectly good day, chasing down some bitch who stole my husband’s debit card information and depleted our joint account buying Chinese food, Hawaiian food, and pizza and making a payment to MetroPCS, until a friend forwarded me an article from some Canadian website called Mothering.com: “Study: the More Children You Have, the Older You Look.”

THANK GOD SCIENCE HAS FOUND A WAY TO QUANTIFY WOMEN’S ATTRACTIVENESS SINCE THE MEDIA HAS BEEN ATTEMPTING THIS WITHOUT SUCCESS FOR SOME TIME MERRY CHRISTMAS HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR

Motherhood certainly makes us tired, but can others see that just by looking at our faces? A new study says yes!

WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT

It’s an age-old debate: Does having children age you or keep you young? A new study published in the American Journal of Anthropology claims that there are costs to reproduction for a woman.

NEW STUDY CLAIMS REPRODUCTION TAKES A TOLL ON WOMEN. SAME STUDY FINDS BANANAS ARE YELLOW AND USB CORDS NEVER GO IN THE RIGHT WAY THE FIRST TIME.

Specifically, the study concluded that the more children that a woman had, the less attractive others found her to be.

NEXT WE WOULD LIKE TO STUDY HOW MANY PUNCHES TO THE FACE A MOTHER CAN TAKE BEFORE DROPPING HER CHILD. ONE? THREE? WE DON’T KNOW! LET’S FIND OUT!

Polish researchers

Ah. Poland. (See “WOMEN’S STATUS IN POLAND: A PERMANENT CRISIS.”)

gathered images of post-menopausal women and categorized them according to the number of children that each woman had birthed.

LET ME JUST SAY THIS BACK TO YOU SO I UNDERSTAND: THE SUBJECT OF A STUDY ON HOW OLD AND TIRED PEOPLE LOOK WAS A GROUP OF WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH PREGNANCY, CHILDBIRTH, BREASTFEEDING, CHILD-REARING, AND MENOPAUSE.

To eliminate any possible bias,

EXCEPT FOR THE BIAS INHERENT IN A STUDY OF WOMEN’S ATTRACTIVENESS BUT GO ON

the researchers utilized computer software to create “average facial images.”

SO BEFORE YOU ASKED PEOPLE TO RATE OTHER PEOPLE ON THEIR RELATIVE ATTRACTIVENESS YOU PHOTOSHOPPED THEIR FACES.

The researchers then asked 571 male and female study participants to rate the faces’ in terms of their youthfulness, attractiveness, and how healthy the faces appeared.

WHY

Despite being of similar age, the study

DANGLING METAPHOR: A WORD OR PHRASE THAT MODIFIES A WORD NOT CLEARLY STATED IN THE SENTENCE (SEE “DANGLING MODIFIERS AND HOW TO CORRECT THEM“)

found that those women who had given birth to fewer children were judged as younger, more attractive, and healthier than those who had more children. Further, the women who had the most children were consistently rated as older

MAYBE THEY WERE OLDER SINCE IF YOU’RE OLDER YOU’VE HAD MORE TIME TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN BUT WHY WASTE TIME ON CORRELATION IN A SCIENTIFIC PAPER

and less appealing.

FUCK YOU.

THIS IS FROM THE STUDY’S ABSTRACT:

Women who had given birth to fewer children were judged both by men and women as more attractive, younger and healthier than women with more children. In each category the lowest scores were received by women from highest parity category (7–9 children).

I HAVE A PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF A WOMAN WITH SEVEN TO NINE CHILDREN. DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE IN YOUR HEAD OF A WOMAN WITH SEVEN TO NINE CHILDREN. GOOD. NOW IMAGINE YOURSELF TELLING A WOMAN WITH SEVEN TO NINE CHILDREN THAT YOU FIND HER LESS APPEALING THAN THE WOMAN STANDING OVER THERE WITH HER SINGLE CHILD IN A BABY BJORN FRONT CARRIER DRINKING A STARBUCKS LATTE WITH ONE HAND AND TALKING ON HER IPHONE X WITH THE OTHER, HER BRUSHED HAIR AND BRUSHED TEETH GLINTING IN THE SUNLIGHT, HER LAUNDERED CLOTHES SMELLING OF LAVENDER AND SEA BREEZE.

BACK TO THE ARTICLE:

Pregnancy, followed by lactation and childcare, require an increase in energy metabolism.

NEW STUDY FINDS THAT PREGNANCY, BREASTFEEDING, CHANGING SHIT-FILLED DIAPERS TEN TIMES A DAY, AND SHOUTING AT ONE’S HUSBAND THAT IF HE CONTINUES TO PEE ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE TOILET RATHER THAN INTO THE TOILET HE WILL BE SUCKING SAID PEE OUT OF A SPONGE REQUIRES INCREASED ENERGY.

Dr. Huber Warner, a lead expert on aging and founder of the National Institute on Aging’s Intervention Testing Program, said, “There’s a hell of a cost for a woman to conceive and have a child in terms of just biological wear and tear. Let’s just assume that in life you have a certain amount of energy to burn. If you burn it up having children there’s less left to maintain the homeostasis [stable equilibrium] of the individual.”

DR. WARNER. OVER HERE. IT’S ME! JENNY! DO YOU REMEMBER ME? FROM THE CRAWL SPACE? THE CRAWL SPACE IN YOUR BASEMENT. YOU LOWERED A LIPSTICK AND A MIRROR EVERY DAY AND TOLD ME TO “MAKE MYSELF APPEALING.” NO? HMM. I GUESS IT’S BEEN A WHILE.

While decisions on family size should not be made based solely on how you might look down the road, it’s certainly food for thought!

WHO WROTE THIS PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE

[Xxxxxxx Xxxx] is a registered nurse, writer, and mother of five.

UH.

To make this peppermint ice cream from Bon Appétit, you need:

  • 2 pints vanilla ice cream, softened
  • 2 teaspoons peppermint oil
  • Whole bunch of peppermint candies

You need to:

  • Unwrap all the peppermint candies one by one. Put them in a towel and hit the towel with a hammer AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
  • Pour softened ice cream into a loaf pan.
  • Stir peppermint oil and some of the peppermint candy dust into the ice cream.
  • Smooth the top and sprinkle on the rest of the peppermint dust.
  • Freeze for six hours.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. klc83 says:

    You’re my favorite.

    Like

  2. Mim Luetje says:

    Oh my God. This was fucking HIGHlarious. Thank you from a still beautiful mother of one, hahaha. So goddamned lucky I had soul crushing postpartum depression after the first one and didn’t have any more. (I wonder how depression affects perceived beauty….NOT.) I look forward to your posts and love each and every word you write.Thank you!!!!!!!Mim

    Like

    1. What a wonderful comment! Thank you for reading, Mim!

      Like

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