My 10-year-old stepdaughter on why my spirit animal is a donkey:
“Because you can be loving and kind sometimes. But sometimes you can be a kick in the face.”
I’m sick of men’s holiday gift lists that include:
Whiskey and other hard alcohol-related items
Things made of leather
FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHAT FUCKING YEAR IS IT.
AND THESE LISTS ARE WRITTEN BY WOMEN.
I want a list that consults men, that reflects what men really want. So for this holiday season, I have created a list of holiday gifts that a real man—my man, SJ—would like. Let’s get started.
1. A Cosmo. Straight up, in a martini glass, with a twist.
2. An automatic crepe maker, although I’m sure SJ would prefer making crepes “his way” on Sunday mornings, with 3,000 bowls and 12 utensils and the nonstick pan I bought him from IKEA.
3. The soundtrack to The Harder They Come by Jimmy Cliff (SJ’s “cleaning music,” for when he “cleans,” i.e., begins to clean and immediately gets distracted by the gray-water irrigation system for his orange tree or a plant that needs pruning with a ladder and hedge clippers).
4. Tecnu, for the 300 times a year SJ gets poison oak on his face.
5. Apple iPhone charging cords. SJ LOVES these. He has ordered them THREE TIMES from the internet, each time accusing me of taking them all and then having to order more. We should get a free tour of Apple for how many charging cords we have (or don’t have, according to SJ).
6. This cutting board, which SJ ordered from the internet because he wanted a dedicated cutting board for fruit, because I cut garlic on every other cutting board and SOMEBODY doesn’t like his fruit to “taste like garlic.” For someone who is thoroughly unparticular about everything else in our lives, my husband spends energy on things that fascinate me. (NOTE: After I read him this entry, he said, “Do you know what you did today?,” and I said, “I did not use your stupid cutting board,” and he informed me that I did, and I cut an everything bagel on it, and that everything bagels have a large amount of garlic on them. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL YOU MARRIED AN ITALIAN.)
7. This battery-operated, blinking, singing, dancing Santa hat. That’s my man.
8. Some new shoes, to replace his old ones (although the old ones may outlast the apocalypse).
9. SJ’s Toyota Sienna is almost 20 years old, so isn’t it time to replace it with one that has working door handles and a sunroof that doesn’t leak onto the passenger seat when it rains? I think so!
10. A hamper! For socks! Why leave socks on the floor in every room when they can go in one place? Like a hamper!
11. Fully 1/10th of our backyard is a compost pile. SJ loves to turn his compost pile, because, he claims, it is “good” for his garden plot, which is smaller than the footprint of the compost pile. Mostly I think it’s because the compost pile sits in the back-most corner of our lot and for the last three years I have systematically moved everything that belongs to SJ out of our house, into the garage, and into the cars, bound either for the dump or a thrift store. Composting is a ruminative behavior for SJ and in the interest of continuing our marriage I should probably let him keep doing it.
12. A T-shirt with a thing on it that SJ likes.
13. Software that attempts to address the biggest issues of our time, such as climate change, economic inequality, and racial injustice.
14. Another T-shirt with a thing on it that SJ likes.
15. Endless access to the best TV shows available.
16. A spare one of these, in case the one SJ owns and wears every year at Christmastime gets any (more) holes in it.
Happy holidays, everyone!
(I made the gingerbread house with Gargantubaby, because SJ saw it in a store and knew I’d never made one and that GB was finally big enough to make one and I’d probably like making it with him. See? I ❤ SJ.)