Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger. In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)…