Lasagna and catching my new husband masturbating in the shower

On Thursday, April 20, SJ and I got married. That day I worked until 2 p.m., threw on my wedding dress in the building’s bathroom, and took a Lyft to City Hall. SJ and I were dying to take pictures of ourselves with SJ holding his shotgun (a real-live shotgun wedding!), but we were pretty sure…

Eggplant bruschetta and IDGAF

Something weird has been happening: Strangers are noticing my body and reacting to it, and I don’t like it. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT. This happened one other time, in 2007 and 2008, when I got skinny after my divorce. I was pretty depressed, and sure, I wanted attention (I ALWAYS WANT ATTENTION HAVE YOU NOTICED MY…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Midnight snack in Chicago and one day with Rose and Dave

I arrive at O’Hare late Wednesday night after 10 hours of travel from San Francisco. Dad picks me up at baggage claim. His first topic of conversation, after greeting me, is everything he’s posted recently on Facebook. Dave: I sent SJ (SJ is my provider of intercourse for, lo, these past eight months) a message. (What Dad means…

Sweet potato salad and WTF Week 13

And just like that, I’m in the last week of my first trimester. No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION — lucky baby!), and … it’s a boy! Some days I feel like I…

Latkes and WTF I’m pregnant

This is what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant: DRINKING WINE. This is why: I like wine. Also: My cycle is 26 days. For the men: That means every 26 days of my fucking life I bleed from my VAGINA. On Day 26 of my last MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I took a pregnancy test….

Italian-style pasta salad and WTF, genius

I got my eyes checked last week. Dr. Jue said I have the worst vision of any of his current patients. (The competitive child in me felt a deep sense of satisfaction, even though we had moved into a conversation about “next steps,” which included “contact lenses AND glasses” and SURGICAL LENS IMPLANTS.) But this is why…

Louisiana crawfish boil and my gay boyfriend

For the past four months, Strong Jawline, my current provider of intercourse, has been telling me I’m pretty. I’ve never been accused of such a thing. In 39 years I’ve been called “striking,” “Mediterranean,” and “similar to Peter Sellers.” Once, thrillingly, I was compared to Tracy Thorn of my favorite ’90s band Everything But the…

Sopa Azteca and WTF online dating

So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in … with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT. And I looked in shock at the exact same bikini picture…

Pulled pork and coleslaw and Day 2: Rose and Dave

Mom and Dad discussed my blog. Mom said they decided for revenge they’re going to backpack across Italy and talk about where, when, and how 74-year-olds have sex. (I think this idea is AMAZING.) Although THIS blog makes them uncomfortable in all kinds of new ways, Mom is referring to my 2012 blog (long since hidden)…

Roast chicken and a rejection letter

There’s only one thing better than being single and childless at 39: having your novel rejected by one of the biggest agents in New York (AGAIN. AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN). My joke these days, although it’s not a joke, is I’m being rejected by the best. Three of the biggest agents with the biggest and most…