Roasted veggies and sausage and Dave comes to visit

In the middle of January, my dad came to stay with us for two weeks. Our daycare, aka Our Second Mortgage That Comes Without a House, didn’t start until February. And during a Skype conversation last fall, when it appeared both my parents had had too much to drink, my mother gaily volunteered to send…

Steamed mussels and WTF back to work

I started off Sunday morning cupping my hand so my son could vomit into it. A few minutes later, back in fine spirits, he gazed at his father in the kitchen whisking batter for crepes. “It’s a high-whisk activity,” SJ confided to him. “I like whisk-y business.” Two weeks ago, a couple days before I…

Beef stew and careening into the holidays

These are the last days of my maternity leave. The weather has turned cold, so in the predawn we turn on the heat, which makes a satisfying boom and then slowly seeps up through the floor vents and smells like a different toxin in each room. The baby has his first cold, coughing as if he’s…

Chicken pot pie and WTF breastfeeding

It’s been quite the transition to motherhood or, as I like to call it, Mom Eats Last. Some days it feels like SJ and I are killing it: We get enough sleep, we eat, we shower, the house gets cleaned, the bills get paid, and we leave the house and return to it, all without…

Lasagna and catching my new husband masturbating in the shower

On Thursday, April 20, SJ and I got married. That day I worked until 2 p.m., threw on my wedding dress in the building’s bathroom, and took a Lyft to City Hall. SJ and I were dying to take pictures of ourselves with SJ holding his shotgun (a real-live shotgun wedding!), but we were pretty sure…

Eggplant bruschetta and IDGAF

Something weird has been happening: Strangers are noticing my body and reacting to it, and I don’t like it. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT. This happened one other time, in 2007 and 2008, when I got skinny after my divorce. I was pretty depressed, and sure, I wanted attention (I ALWAYS WANT ATTENTION HAVE YOU NOTICED MY…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Midnight snack in Chicago and one day with Rose and Dave

I arrive at O’Hare late Wednesday night after 10 hours of travel from San Francisco. Dad picks me up at baggage claim. His first topic of conversation, after greeting me, is everything he’s posted recently on Facebook. Dave: I sent SJ (SJ is my provider of intercourse for, lo, these past eight months) a message. (What Dad means…

Sweet potato salad and WTF Week 13

And just like that, I’m in the last week of my first trimester. No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION — lucky baby!), and … it’s a boy! Some days I feel like I…

Latkes and WTF I’m pregnant

This is what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant: DRINKING WINE. This is why: I like wine. Also: My cycle is 26 days. For the men: That means every 26 days of my fucking life I bleed from my VAGINA. On Day 26 of my last MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I took a pregnancy test….

Italian-style pasta salad and WTF, genius

I got my eyes checked last week. Dr. Jue said I have the worst vision of any of his current patients. (The competitive child in me felt a deep sense of satisfaction, even though we had moved into a conversation about “next steps,” which included “contact lenses AND glasses” and SURGICAL LENS IMPLANTS.) But this is why…