German chocolate cake and Things I’ve Learned: Baby Turns 2 Edition

It happened. My newborn became an infant became a toddler became a kid. LIKE TIME THROUGH AN HOURGLASS THESE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS OF OUR EVER-SHORTENING LIVES. My son has a game. He says, “Mama.” I say, “Yes?” He says, “BEAR!” I say, “WHERE OH MY GOD WHERE’S THE BEAR WHERE’S THE BEAR.” He watches…

Cornmeal pancakes and WTF 2019

Destructibaby is 17 months old. When he cries, his sweet mouth widens to a warbling rectangle and tears leak down his cheeks, and he stands with his arms at his sides, chin up, crying out, “Hon-eeeee! Hon-eeeee!” After hearing it a few times, I said to SJ, “It sounds like he’s saying ‘honey.’” Then I…

Chewy coconut cookies and WTF baby blues

Two weeks ago I moved in with SJ. Hired three guys to load all my stuff, including my coffee table (SJ does not believe in coffee tables — he calls them “shinbangers” — so when we want to watch 30 Rock instead of talking to each other, we eat dinner on a piano bench, like…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Cinnamon chocolate-chip banana bread and WTF happiness

Happy Wednesday, Vibe Tribe!! NO We’re always on the lookout for a feel good fix—that sweet little boost of HAPPY. IS THIS THE KIND THAT COSTS $60 A GRAM Your vibe attracts your tribe… right? Why not engage with the world at your highest frequency possible? MY FAVORITE PART IS WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL YOUR MOUTH…

Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger. In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)…

Sopa Azteca and WTF online dating

So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in … with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT. And I looked in shock at the exact same bikini picture…

Paloma and Days 1-5: Oaxaca, Mexico

NOTES TO SELF WHILE TRAVELING ALONE IN OAXACA, MEXICO The good thing about not speaking the language: You can’t talk me into anything because I have no idea what you’re saying. *** La cuenta = the check Hoy = today Voy = I go Ahora = now Bonita = pretty Efectivo = cash Tengo novio…

Rigatoni alla disgraziata and I hate weddings

Something I never would have anticipated: At this age, “Do you want to have kids?” and “Do you want to get married?” are first-date questions. Well, they’re MY first-date questions. So another secret thing I’m apparently willing to admit: I HATE WEDDINGS. This is what I’ve done at weddings: 1. Called another guest a douche…

Salted tahini chocolate chip cookies and WTF online dating

First, if your name is Draper, don’t put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don’t put it in your profile name. Because then the word “raper” is in your profile name. I don’t make the rules. Second, Match.com gives you many ways to…