Perfect fried egg and WTF online dating trolls

I have something to confess: I’m happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It’s the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating. I’ve been limping along these past couple of weeks, trying to wreak havoc, but I can’t get this fucking guy to stop being nice to me….

Louisiana crawfish boil and my gay boyfriend

For the past four months, Strong Jawline, my current provider of intercourse, has been telling me I’m pretty. I’ve never been accused of such a thing. In 39 years I’ve been called “striking,” “Mediterranean,” and “similar to Peter Sellers.” Once, thrillingly, I was compared to Tracy Thorn of my favorite ’90s band Everything But the…

Greek-ish salad and trolling for pain

My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know (I SEE YOU EX-BOYFRIEND I TOOK THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH), peeing on a stick to see whether I’m ovulating (NOT YET. UPDATE: FLASHY SMILEY FACE ON THE PEE STICK! SUCCESSFUL SURGE IN LUTEINIZING HORMONE! OK…

Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger. In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)…

Sopa Azteca and WTF online dating

So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in … with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT. And I looked in shock at the exact same bikini picture…

Greek salad with hazelnuts and almonds and WTF online dating

I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes–which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE’S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE–the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me). WHAT DOES IT MEAN. On one hand, I’m a Libra, whose sign is the…

Cast-iron pan pizza and WTF online dating

A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT. Women, men, bus drivers, television cameramen, cops, firefighters, reporters, photographers, teachers, dog walkers, lawyers, football players, softball players, chefs, writers, landscape designers, musicians, hippies (NOT TOO MANY…

Cast-iron pasta casserole and WTF online dating

“This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I’ve been on here a month and a half and I’m still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE). I paid for three months of this so I’m at least here for that long (I…

Kimchee rice and WTF online dating

Over the weekend I sat next to John Avalos at a café for THREE HOURS and didn’t recognize him until he stood up to leave. I voted for him for MAYOR. He is VERY ATTRACTIVE. And he has the single-most-important quality I’m looking for in a man: He’s 52 but he looks 41. So what…

Rice bowl and dating the FBI

Last night someone from OKCupid who says he’s AN FBI AGENT ARE YOU KIDDING YES I WANT TO TALK TO YOU texted me. But I texted back that I couldn’t talk because I was “in the middle of a writing project.” OH, OK. Jenny: I knew someone who was an FBI agent! The first thing I asked…

Salted tahini chocolate chip cookies and WTF online dating

First, if your name is Draper, don’t put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don’t put it in your profile name. Because then the word “raper” is in your profile name. I don’t make the rules. Second, Match.com gives you many ways to…