Bolognese sauce and everything all at once

Gargantubaby is 27 months old. He wears 4T shirts and pants. Most shoes don’t fit him because his feet are like little pound cakes. He’s almost too big for me to lie on my back, pick him up by the hips, and hold him upside down, crying, “Shake out your change! Shake out your change!” We’ve…

Breadcrumb pasta and fuck you, United

Oh, summer. I’ve been to Evanston and back to visit Rose and Dave. SJ and I took the kids camping over Fourth of July. We had Gargantubaby’s second birthday party over the weekend YES HE’S TWO TOMORROW MORE ON THAT LATER. Gargantubaby, holding a plastic dinosaur: “Hi, di-o-saurrr. I name [Gargantubaby’s name]. I eat you!”…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Midnight snack in Chicago and one day with Rose and Dave

I arrive at O’Hare late Wednesday night after 10 hours of travel from San Francisco. Dad picks me up at baggage claim. His first topic of conversation, after greeting me, is everything he’s posted recently on Facebook. Dave: I sent SJ (SJ is my provider of intercourse for, lo, these past eight months) a message. (What Dad means…

Rigatoni alla disgraziata and I hate weddings

Something I never would have anticipated: At this age, “Do you want to have kids?” and “Do you want to get married?” are first-date questions. Well, they’re MY first-date questions. So another secret thing I’m apparently willing to admit: I HATE WEDDINGS. This is what I’ve done at weddings: 1. Called another guest a douche…

Cast-iron pasta casserole and WTF online dating

“This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I’ve been on here a month and a half and I’m still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE). I paid for three months of this so I’m at least here for that long (I…

Sunday night pasta sauce and WTF online dating

I’ve been single for nine days. I opened a bottle of rosé and paid for a three-month subscription to Match.com (I think). I also signed up for something called MeetMindful, a “conscious” dating site that has a total of 45 people on it, each of whom has an inspirational quote on his profile, such as “I am not…