Mango plum crumble and WTF 39 1/2 weeks

I’m officially on maternity leave THANK THE FUCKING LORD, and just in time: I’m having all the symptoms of end-stage pregnancy. Can’t get comfortable. Can’t sleep. Gotta pee. Gotta poo. And then I’ll get a BURST OF ENERGY and, for example, wash all the cushions on both couches and vacuum them both. Then wash all…

Mom’s white soup and the calm before the storm

Ever since I set a start date for maternity leave (two more weeks!), I’ve had a rush of energy. This is in the face of the worst acid reflux so far and a new symptom — cramping! It even keeps me up at night! — as well as my husband introducing me to someone else…

Anchovy salad and WTF I’m over this

I am officially over being pregnant. It happened almost overnight. My hands are swollen, my abdomen is barely supporting my belly so I’m wearing a back brace, my ass fucking hurts, if I sit on my yoga ball my back hurts, I have to sit sleeping up, I’m so out of it I typed a…

Saturday-morning crepes and WTF second trimester

It’s been a sweet time with SJ, my provider of intercourse — still! What a champ! — since last May. A couple Sundays ago, I lay on my back on SJ’s bed (fully clothed — it’s not that kind of a transition) and pressed a stethoscope against my belly — and the baby kicked the stethoscope! SJ came…

Pesto scrambled eggs, Whitney Houston, and life with SJ

All week I’ve felt like crying. It feels exactly like the low-grade nausea I had during my first trimester, without the nausea. There’s no REASON for me to cry, and I DON’T cry, but I FEEL like crying. One afternoon I stood in the bathroom at work, just stood there in front of the full-length…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Perfect cup of tea and pregnancy weight gain as a former bulimic/anorexic

When you’re pregnant, all the women who have gone before rally to tell you how their babies ripped apart their vaginas. One co-worker birthed an eight-pound baby whose head size was in the 99% percentile. Another’s daughter came out with her elbow crooked above her head, like a superhero shooting razors out of her tricep. All this coincides with…

Sweet potato salad and WTF Week 13

And just like that, I’m in the last week of my first trimester. No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION — lucky baby!), and … it’s a boy! Some days I feel like I…

Honey rosemary walnuts and we need to talk about pregnancy sex

I dedicate this entry to my parents. The first time I heard about pregnancy sex was in 2004 when writer friend Michelle Richmond published an article on Salon.com called “Oh baby!: Why didn’t anyone tell me that pregnancy sex is amazing?” I’d never heard of it, mostly because in 2004 I was 28 years old,…

No-knead bread and WTF first trimester

Last Sunday, Strong Jawline and I Skyped my parents in Evanston, Illinois, to announce that he had successfully impregnated me. Rose and Dave, peering at the screen with their matching crowns of white hair and wire-rimmed glasses, were so surprised they erupted into applause. I’d wanted to add my brother and his wife to the conversation, but since Skype…

Latkes and WTF I’m pregnant

This is what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant: DRINKING WINE. This is why: I like wine. Also: My cycle is 26 days. For the men: That means every 26 days of my fucking life I bleed from my VAGINA. On Day 26 of my last MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I took a pregnancy test….