Jenny and Baby Visit Rose and Dave: Special Bonus Edition

Even though my parents were just in San Francisco to meet the baby/Barnacle, I recently took the baby/Barnacle to Evanston, Illinois, to stay with them for 10 days. While we were still in San Francisco, Mom specifically said YES YOU DID MOM YES YOU DID that the ban on writing about her — or, more…

Anchovy salad and WTF I’m over this

I am officially over being pregnant. It happened almost overnight. My hands are swollen, my abdomen is barely supporting my belly so I’m wearing a back brace, my ass fucking hurts, if I sit on my yoga ball my back hurts, I have to sit sleeping up, I’m so out of it I typed a…

Sweet potato salad and WTF Week 13

And just like that, I’m in the last week of my first trimester. No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION — lucky baby!), and … it’s a boy! Some days I feel like I…

Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger. In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)…

Broccoli quinoa salad and WTF fertility

I spotted during my luteal phase. Let me explain. (But first: PLEASE GOD FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND THEN SHARE YOUR FAVORITE BLOG POSTS SO I CAN GET A BOOK DEAL PLEASE I NEED IT I NEED IT: @JennyTrueBlog.) I’ve been charting my cycle because somebody gave me a book about fertility and I’m curious…

Kitchen sink salad and Rose and Dave against the world

Mexico was great. I didn’t get roofied. But I did nearly get into a car I shouldn’t have gotten into. I travel-palled at a tourist site with a Dominican guy, and we missed the last truck home. So he asked three other stragglers if they’d drive us down the mountain. The main guy, wearing a neon green muscle T-shirt…

Greek salad with hazelnuts and almonds and WTF online dating

I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes–which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE’S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE–the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me). WHAT DOES IT MEAN. On one hand, I’m a Libra, whose sign is the…

Summer salad and Rose coaches Jenny before a date

Yesterday I went on a date. On the way there, I called Mom from my magic Bluetooth car phone booth. Me (39, ostensibly an adult): I don’t want to go! Mom: Just have a good time. You’re overthinking it. Just be cool. Me: There’s alcohol involved. Mom: Drink a big glass of water. Not instead of the drink….

Pulled pork and coleslaw and Day 2: Rose and Dave

Mom and Dad discussed my blog. Mom said they decided for revenge they’re going to backpack across Italy and talk about where, when, and how 74-year-olds have sex. (I think this idea is AMAZING.) Although THIS blog makes them uncomfortable in all kinds of new ways, Mom is referring to my 2012 blog (long since hidden)…

Potatoes roasted with sage and thyme and Rodin’s Thinker

I figured out something I don’t like: people posing in front of statues doing what the statue is doing. Rodin’s Thinker, for example. Posing in front of Rodin’s Thinker acting like Rodin’s Thinker is very popular. Dozens of casts of Rodin’s Thinker are spread across four continents. This is unfortunate. This gives the most amount of people with…

Kitchen sink salad and WTF online dating

I just opened a guy’s profile, and this was the first sentence: “I’m intelligent, THISISWHEREISTOPREADINGHOLYSHIT Men! Try to come up with something that is in no way a version of “you’re as comfortable in a T-shirt and jeans as a cocktail dress,” and for God’s sake don’t use the phrase “partner in crime”!! Why would you post…