Avocado toasts and WTF sleep

The Barnacle, my sweet, sweet boy, is nine months old tomorrow. He assaults anyone who will hold him by throwing his brick of a forehead against their face. He has just figured out that, in addition to throwing his head forward and back, he can grip the sides of his bassinet and rock side to…

Dad’s toast points and WTF pumping

I’ve been back at work for two months. This is what people say: IT GETS EASIER. This is what really happens: IT GETS HARDER. In February, we started daycare. I LOVE MY DAYCARE PROVIDER AND SO DOES MY SON. NONE OF MY NEUROSES IN ANY WAY REFLECT HER EXPERTISE OR LOVING CARE. And now I…

Steamed mussels and WTF back to work

I started off Sunday morning cupping my hand so my son could vomit into it. A few minutes later, back in fine spirits, he gazed at his father in the kitchen whisking batter for crepes. “It’s a high-whisk activity,” SJ confided to him. “I like whisk-y business.” Two weeks ago, a couple days before I…

Ginger fruit bowl and fuck your baby advice

SOMETHING MY HUSBAND SAID RECENTLY THAT MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T HAVE: “I feel great! I got twelve hours of sleep last night!” The Barnacle, my sweet, sweet boy, is three months old, and already he’s lived through earthquakes and some of the worst wildfires California has ever seen. His new trick is shoving both of his…

Chewy coconut cookies and WTF baby blues

Two weeks ago I moved in with SJ. Hired three guys to load all my stuff, including my coffee table (SJ does not believe in coffee tables — he calls them “shinbangers” — so when we want to watch 30 Rock instead of talking to each other, we eat dinner on a piano bench, like…

Saturday-morning crepes and WTF second trimester

It’s been a sweet time with SJ, my provider of intercourse — still! What a champ! — since last May. A couple Sundays ago, I lay on my back on SJ’s bed (fully clothed — it’s not that kind of a transition) and pressed a stethoscope against my belly — and the baby kicked the stethoscope! SJ came…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Sweet potato salad and WTF Week 13

And just like that, I’m in the last week of my first trimester. No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION — lucky baby!), and … it’s a boy! Some days I feel like I…

No-knead bread and WTF first trimester

Last Sunday, Strong Jawline and I Skyped my parents in Evanston, Illinois, to announce that he had successfully impregnated me. Rose and Dave, peering at the screen with their matching crowns of white hair and wire-rimmed glasses, were so surprised they erupted into applause. I’d wanted to add my brother and his wife to the conversation, but since Skype…

Latkes and WTF I’m pregnant

This is what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant: DRINKING WINE. This is why: I like wine. Also: My cycle is 26 days. For the men: That means every 26 days of my fucking life I bleed from my VAGINA. On Day 26 of my last MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I took a pregnancy test….

Perfect fried egg and WTF online dating trolls

I have something to confess: I’m happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It’s the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating. I’ve been limping along these past couple of weeks, trying to wreak havoc, but I can’t get this fucking guy to stop being nice to me….

Cinnamon chocolate-chip banana bread and WTF happiness

Happy Wednesday, Vibe Tribe!! NO We’re always on the lookout for a feel good fix—that sweet little boost of HAPPY. IS THIS THE KIND THAT COSTS $60 A GRAM Your vibe attracts your tribe… right? Why not engage with the world at your highest frequency possible? MY FAVORITE PART IS WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL YOUR MOUTH…