No-knead bread and WTF first trimester

Last Sunday, Strong Jawline and I Skyped my parents in Evanston, Illinois, to announce that he had successfully impregnated me. Rose and Dave, peering at the screen with their matching crowns of white hair and wire-rimmed glasses, were so surprised they erupted into applause. I’d wanted to add my brother and his wife to the conversation, but since Skype…

Latkes and WTF I’m pregnant

This is what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant: DRINKING WINE. This is why: I like wine. Also: My cycle is 26 days. For the men: That means every 26 days of my fucking life I bleed from my VAGINA. On Day 26 of my last MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I took a pregnancy test….

Perfect fried egg and WTF online dating trolls

I have something to confess: I’m happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It’s the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating. I’ve been limping along these past couple of weeks, trying to wreak havoc, but I can’t get this fucking guy to stop being nice to me….

Cinnamon chocolate-chip banana bread and WTF happiness

Happy Wednesday, Vibe Tribe!! NO We’re always on the lookout for a feel good fix—that sweet little boost of HAPPY. IS THIS THE KIND THAT COSTS $60 A GRAM Your vibe attracts your tribe… right? Why not engage with the world at your highest frequency possible? MY FAVORITE PART IS WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL YOUR MOUTH…

Italian-style pasta salad and WTF, genius

I got my eyes checked last week. Dr. Jue said I have the worst vision of any of his current patients. (The competitive child in me felt a deep sense of satisfaction, even though we had moved into a conversation about “next steps,” which included “contact lenses AND glasses” and SURGICAL LENS IMPLANTS.) But this is why…

Squash breakfast tacos and WTF earthquake

On Tuesday, September 13, 2016, at 12:50 a.m., I was literally I AM USING THAT WORD CORRECTLY PAY ATTENTION MILLENNIALS jolted by a 3.5 earthquake. The United States Geographical Survey, which one becomes familiar with when one moves to Northern California, rated it a 3.5. Within seconds, dozens of my neighbors were online. Everyone said it felt stronger than a 3.5….

Potatoes with Greek yogurt and sauerkraut and WTF casual sex

Hey Jenny! HEY You asked and we listened. REMIND ME You told us authenticity is paramount. I DID NO SUCH THING You told us being true to your core nature is what lights you up inside. I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT You told us transparency in online dating is oh-so-essential. ALSO ESSENTIAL IS SIDE…

Greek-ish salad and trolling for pain

My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know (I SEE YOU EX-BOYFRIEND I TOOK THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AND THAT PICTURE AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH), peeing on a stick to see whether I’m ovulating (NOT YET. UPDATE: FLASHY SMILEY FACE ON THE PEE STICK! SUCCESSFUL SURGE IN LUTEINIZING HORMONE! OK…

Salted Texas chocolate sheet cake and WTF online dating

I’ve decided to have a baby with a stranger. In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style. (LOOK IT UP, MILLENNIALS. LOOK IT ALL UP.)…

Broccoli quinoa salad and WTF fertility

I spotted during my luteal phase. Let me explain. (But first: PLEASE GOD FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND THEN SHARE YOUR FAVORITE BLOG POSTS SO I CAN GET A BOOK DEAL PLEASE I NEED IT I NEED IT: @JennyTrueBlog.) I’ve been charting my cycle because somebody gave me a book about fertility and I’m curious…

Sopa Azteca and WTF online dating

So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in … with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT. And I looked in shock at the exact same bikini picture…