Plum sauce and prenatal WTF

Today I sat down with a pen (WHAT’S THAT) and a piece of paper (NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING SILLY) and typed into Google: “What to do when you’re trying to get pregnant” I’m not actively trying to get pregnant EXACTLY. But I am currently shtupping someone with a VERY strong jawline, and it’s been a…

Greek salad with hazelnuts and almonds and WTF online dating

I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes–which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE’S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE–the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me). WHAT DOES IT MEAN. On one hand, I’m a Libra, whose sign is the…

Cast-iron pan pizza and WTF online dating

A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT. Women, men, bus drivers, television cameramen, cops, firefighters, reporters, photographers, teachers, dog walkers, lawyers, football players, softball players, chefs, writers, landscape designers, musicians, hippies (NOT TOO MANY…

Cast-iron pasta casserole and WTF online dating

“This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I’ve been on here a month and a half and I’m still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE). I paid for three months of this so I’m at least here for that long (I…

Kimchee rice and WTF online dating

Over the weekend I sat next to John Avalos at a café for THREE HOURS and didn’t recognize him until he stood up to leave. I voted for him for MAYOR. He is VERY ATTRACTIVE. And he has the single-most-important quality I’m looking for in a man: He’s 52 but he looks 41. So what…

Salted tahini chocolate chip cookies and WTF online dating

First, if your name is Draper, don’t put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don’t put it in your profile name. Because then the word “raper” is in your profile name. I don’t make the rules. Second, Match.com gives you many ways to…

Kitchen sink salad and WTF online dating

I just opened a guy’s profile, and this was the first sentence: “I’m intelligent, THISISWHEREISTOPREADINGHOLYSHIT Men! Try to come up with something that is in no way a version of “you’re as comfortable in a T-shirt and jeans as a cocktail dress,” and for God’s sake don’t use the phrase “partner in crime”!! Why would you post…

Sunday night pasta sauce and WTF online dating

I’ve been single for nine days. I opened a bottle of rosé and paid for a three-month subscription to Match.com (I think). I also signed up for something called MeetMindful, a “conscious” dating site that has a total of 45 people on it, each of whom has an inspirational quote on his profile, such as “I am not…