Middle-of-the-night cookies and fighting with love

Being 34 weeks pregnant is like having a 30-pound goiter that kicks you. Also, I don’t know if you know this, but being very pregnant, being newly married, working two jobs six days a week, and living in a new place is, at times, somewhat stressful. Plus this baby has started to turn, which means…

Anchovy salad and WTF I’m over this

I am officially over being pregnant. It happened almost overnight. My hands are swollen, my abdomen is barely supporting my belly so I’m wearing a back brace, my ass fucking hurts, if I sit on my yoga ball my back hurts, I have to sit sleeping up, I’m so out of it I typed a…

Meaty pasta sauce and don’t mind me, I’m just pregnant

Next week will mark one year together for me and SJ, my donor (by mutual agreement, he is no longer my “provider of intercourse,” as he is not providing very much these days). Generally, things are good. We don’t fight (anyone I’ve ever dated is now checking the “About” page, thinking, I thought this was Jenny ______________,…

Lasagna and catching my new husband masturbating in the shower

On Thursday, April 20, SJ and I got married. That day I worked until 2 p.m., threw on my wedding dress in the building’s bathroom, and took a Lyft to City Hall. SJ and I were dying to take pictures of ourselves with SJ holding his shotgun (a real-live shotgun wedding!), but we were pretty sure…

Chewy coconut cookies and WTF baby blues

Two weeks ago I moved in with SJ. Hired three guys to load all my stuff, including my coffee table (SJ does not believe in coffee tables — he calls them “shinbangers” — so when we want to watch 30 Rock instead of talking to each other, we eat dinner on a piano bench, like…

Eggplant bruschetta and IDGAF

Something weird has been happening: Strangers are noticing my body and reacting to it, and I don’t like it. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT. This happened one other time, in 2007 and 2008, when I got skinny after my divorce. I was pretty depressed, and sure, I wanted attention (I ALWAYS WANT ATTENTION HAVE YOU NOTICED MY…

Saturday-morning crepes and WTF second trimester

It’s been a sweet time with SJ, my provider of intercourse — still! What a champ! — since last May. A couple Sundays ago, I lay on my back on SJ’s bed (fully clothed — it’s not that kind of a transition) and pressed a stethoscope against my belly — and the baby kicked the stethoscope! SJ came…

Pesto scrambled eggs, Whitney Houston, and life with SJ

All week I’ve felt like crying. It feels exactly like the low-grade nausea I had during my first trimester, without the nausea. There’s no REASON for me to cry, and I DON’T cry, but I FEEL like crying. One afternoon I stood in the bathroom at work, just stood there in front of the full-length…

Linguine with clams and WTF PREGNANCY MARRIAGE MOVING

I am running on fumes. FUMES, I TELL YOU. In addition to having a full-time job, a part-time job, and a daily commute, this is what I’ve been doing instead of blogging about millennials, bonding with the heirloom tomato in my uterus, and getting my head around the fact that IN TWENTY-ONE WEEKS I WILL HAVE A SON….

Slutty brownie cups, hentai porn, and millennials are trying to kill me

So, I feel amazing. As I learned from a friend of Strong Jawline (my provider of intercourse for the last nine months), the second trimester is sometimes known as the “party-mester.” That’s mostly because of the pregnancy sex. But we’re still not living together, so Strong Jawline is not always available. So there’s internet porn. But I can’t watch…

Perfect cup of tea and pregnancy weight gain as a former bulimic/anorexic

When you’re pregnant, all the women who have gone before rally to tell you how their babies ripped apart their vaginas. One co-worker birthed an eight-pound baby whose head size was in the 99% percentile. Another’s daughter came out with her elbow crooked above her head, like a superhero shooting razors out of her tricep. All this coincides with…

Midnight snack in Chicago and one day with Rose and Dave

I arrive at O’Hare late Wednesday night after 10 hours of travel from San Francisco. Dad picks me up at baggage claim. His first topic of conversation, after greeting me, is everything he’s posted recently on Facebook. Dave: I sent SJ (SJ is my provider of intercourse for, lo, these past eight months) a message. (What Dad means…