It happened. My newborn became an infant became a toddler became a kid. LIKE TIME THROUGH AN HOURGLASS THESE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS OF OUR EVER-SHORTENING LIVES. My son has a game. He says, “Mama.” I say, “Yes?” He says, “BEAR!” I say, “WHERE OH MY GOD WHERE’S THE BEAR WHERE’S THE BEAR.” He watches…
Breadcrumb pasta and fuck you, United
Oh, summer. I’ve been to Evanston and back to visit Rose and Dave. SJ and I took the kids camping over Fourth of July. We had Gargantubaby’s second birthday party over the weekend YES HE’S TWO TOMORROW MORE ON THAT LATER. Gargantubaby, holding a plastic dinosaur: “Hi, di-o-saurrr. I name [Gargantubaby’s name]. I eat you!”…
Za’atar chicken with garlicky yogurt and life on Lexapro
Writing an angry blog when you take out the angry part isn’t easy. Also, writing a blog when you take out the motivated-by-anxiety-about-how-little-you’ve-accomplished-by-age-42 part is not easy. I’M A MIDDLE-AGED COPY EDITOR WITH NO CAREER OBJECTIVES ACCEPTANCE IS KEY. For the past two months, Lexapro has helped with EVERYTHING. OH MY FUCKING GOD. These are…
Roasted salmon with beet greens and who the fuck am I anymore and oh, hello, Lexapro
This is the list I made for myself titled “Shit I’ve Been Dealing With” to give myself perspective on why I might have had a panic attack on Feb. 22: In chronological order, as far as I can remember, since November 2016, I: Got pregnant. Then was pregnant, for nine months. Moved in with SJ,…
Banana, peanut butter, yogurt smoothie and WTF surgery
Three weeks ago Wednesday, I went in for routine surgery to remove a large dermoid cyst from my ovary. BA DUM CHING. Instead of complying with the surgeon’s plan to be contained in a tightly rolled-up plastic bag, popped within that bag, then sucked out through a tube, my cyst decided to rupture and spew…
Cornmeal pancakes and WTF 2019
Destructibaby is 17 months old. When he cries, his sweet mouth widens to a warbling rectangle and tears leak down his cheeks, and he stands with his arms at his sides, chin up, crying out, “Hon-eeeee! Hon-eeeee!” After hearing it a few times, I said to SJ, “It sounds like he’s saying ‘honey.’” Then I…
Boxed wine and WTF tumor
On Friday, a doctor said something to me no woman wants to hear: “You have a mass on your ovary, and it could be benign!” (SJ: I think a man would like to hear that even less.) Spoiler alert: I don’t have cancer. But I didn’t know that for sure until Monday, and on Friday…
Turmeric latte and having a kid makes me think about death so here’s how I deal with it
On Monday, a co-worker asked how my Thanksgiving was. “Horrible,” I said. “I slept on the floor because my son wouldn’t sleep in the Pack ‘n Play. How was yours?” “It was pretty sweet,” he said. “My wife and I spent a week at this remote village in Mexico. Walked to the beach every day,…
Slow-cooker chicken congee and the problem with The Runaway Bunny
My son, current nickname Dirtbaby, is 14 months old. He has been walking for three months and no longer holds his arms in front of him like a zombie. He says “thank you” and “book” and “ball” and “hello” and “bye-bye.” He also says “mama” and knows that it’s me I HAVE A SON AND…
German chocolate cake and Things I’ve Learned: Baby Turns 1 Edition
A few weeks ago, Gordo, my son, my baby, turned 1. Which, as the pediatrician informed us, means he’s no longer an infant JESUS YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD. He’s a toddler now, and his main activities are 1). speaking in tongues, and 2). falling off the back porch. Most days, I…
Open-face cucumber sandwiches and WTF first steps
The Barnacle, aka Crusty One-Eye, aka Gordo, aka my son, is 11 months old, and we are counting down the days until he turns one. By counting down I mean CHECKING HIM FOR SIGNS HE’S STILL A BABY AND TRYING TO TRICK HIM INTO ONE OF THESE REGRESSIONS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT. For the most…
