Ginger fruit bowl and fuck your baby advice

SOMETHING MY HUSBAND SAID RECENTLY THAT MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T HAVE: “I feel great! I got twelve hours of sleep last night!” The Barnacle, my sweet, sweet boy, is three months old, and already he’s lived through earthquakes and some of the worst wildfires California has ever seen. His new trick is shoving both of his…

Jenny and Baby Visit Rose and Dave: Special Bonus Edition

Even though my parents were just in San Francisco to meet the baby/Barnacle, I recently took the baby/Barnacle to Evanston, Illinois, to stay with them for 10 days. While we were still in San Francisco, Mom specifically said YES YOU DID MOM YES YOU DID that the ban on writing about her — or, more…

Chicken pot pie and WTF breastfeeding

It’s been quite the transition to motherhood or, as I like to call it, Mom Eats Last. Some days it feels like SJ and I are killing it: We get enough sleep, we eat, we shower, the house gets cleaned, the bills get paid, and we leave the house and return to it, all without…

Breakfast in bed and keeping the baby alive

I’ve settled on a word for how having a baby makes me feel: peeled. If I’m not lurching from one room to another in underpants I haven’t changed in three days and a maternity bra wide open on both sides like some kind of fetish gone wrong, my post-pregnancy belly hanging out like a plastic…

Nicoise-ish salad and WTF I GAVE BIRTH

So this is what I’ve been up to: giving birth, better known as simultaneously vomiting into a bag and gushing blood and amniotic fluid out of your vagina onto a hospital bed as you lie on your side butt naked in front of your husband and a roomful of strangers. CHILDBIRTH HURTS. OH MY GOD…

Mango plum crumble and WTF 39 1/2 weeks

I’m officially on maternity leave THANK THE FUCKING LORD, and just in time: I’m having all the symptoms of end-stage pregnancy. Can’t get comfortable. Can’t sleep. Gotta pee. Gotta poo. And then I’ll get a BURST OF ENERGY and, for example, wash all the cushions on both couches and vacuum them both. Then wash all…

Mom’s white soup and the calm before the storm

Ever since I set a start date for maternity leave (two more weeks!), I’ve had a rush of energy. This is in the face of the worst acid reflux so far and a new symptom — cramping! It even keeps me up at night! — as well as my husband introducing me to someone else…

Middle-of-the-night cookies and fighting with love

Being 34 weeks pregnant is like having a 30-pound goiter that kicks you. Also, I don’t know if you know this, but being very pregnant, being newly married, working two jobs six days a week, and living in a new place is, at times, somewhat stressful. Plus this baby has started to turn, which means…

Anchovy salad and WTF I’m over this

I am officially over being pregnant. It happened almost overnight. My hands are swollen, my abdomen is barely supporting my belly so I’m wearing a back brace, my ass fucking hurts, if I sit on my yoga ball my back hurts, I have to sit sleeping up, I’m so out of it I typed a…

Meaty pasta sauce and don’t mind me, I’m just pregnant

Next week will mark one year together for me and SJ, my donor (by mutual agreement, he is no longer my “provider of intercourse,” as he is not providing very much these days). Generally, things are good. We don’t fight (anyone I’ve ever dated is now checking the “About” page, thinking, I thought this was Jenny ______________,…

Lasagna and catching my new husband masturbating in the shower

On Thursday, April 20, SJ and I got married. That day I worked until 2 p.m., threw on my wedding dress in the building’s bathroom, and took a Lyft to City Hall. SJ and I were dying to take pictures of ourselves with SJ holding his shotgun (a real-live shotgun wedding!), but we were pretty sure…

Chewy coconut cookies and WTF baby blues

Two weeks ago I moved in with SJ. Hired three guys to load all my stuff, including my coffee table (SJ does not believe in coffee tables — he calls them “shinbangers” — so when we want to watch 30 Rock instead of talking to each other, we eat dinner on a piano bench, like…