Even though my parents were just in San Francisco to meet the baby/Barnacle, I recently took the baby/Barnacle to Evanston, Illinois, to stay with them for 10 days.
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So this is what I've been up to: giving birth, better known as simultaneously vomiting into a bag and gushing blood and amniotic fluid out of your vagina onto a hospital bed as you lie on your side butt-naked in front of your husband and a roomful of strangers.
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My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know, peeing on a stick to see whether I'm ovulating, and recording conversations with Strong Jawline, who remains the top candidate to impregnate me (NOVEMBER 2016: SEX WITH A PURPOSE).
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