Try to get pregnant at 40, and everyone has a story. Recently a friend of a friend shouted the following at me across a table in a bar in Denver, about a friend of hers giving birth:
"SHE TORE TO HER ASSHOLE. SHE TORE INSIDE AND OUT."
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I have something to confess: I'm happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It's the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating.
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It's possible I am not, empirically speaking, a "good girlfriend," or a "good person."
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On Saturday I turned 40. Also on Saturday, the Oakland Medical Center sent me a mammo-gram.
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I spent my last day as a 30-something AT COSTCO WITH MY PARENTS.
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I got my eyes checked last week. Dr. Jue said I have the worst vision of any of his current patients.
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On Tuesday, September 13, 2016, at 12:50 a.m., I was literally I AM USING THAT WORD CORRECTLY PAY ATTENTION MILLENNIALS jolted by a 3.5 earthquake.
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For the past four months, Strong Jawline, my current provider of intercourse, has been telling me I'm pretty.
I've never been accused of such a thing. In 39 years I've been called "striking," "Mediterranean," and "similar to Peter Sellers."
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My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know, peeing on a stick to see whether I'm ovulating, and recording conversations with Strong Jawline, who remains the top candidate to impregnate me (NOVEMBER 2016: SEX WITH A PURPOSE).
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I've decided to have a baby with a stranger.
In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style.
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My brother, Jesse, lives in China, and last week he got married. So Rose and Dave and I descended on him during typhoon season because everyone looks great in 90 percent humidity.
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I spotted during my luteal phase. Let me explain.
I've been charting my cycle because somebody gave me a book about fertility and I'm curious as to whether at my advanced maternal age I CAN get pregnant.
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So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in ... with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT.
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Mexico was great. I didn't get roofied. But I did nearly get into a car I shouldn't have gotten into.
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NOTES TO SELF WHILE TRAVELING ALONE IN OAXACA, MEXICO
The good thing about not speaking the language: You can't talk me into anything because I have no idea what you're saying.
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June 16, 2016: Posted on Atlanta Craigslist in Housing > Rooms & Shares*
Read MoreSWM-53 seeks Girlfriend or Wife. Free rent, power, cable, wifi & food[WHAT I WANT]: I'm seeking a non-smoking female that's probably size 14 or smaller.
Something I never would have anticipated: At this age, "Do you want to have kids?" and "Do you want to get married?" are first-date questions. Well, they're MY first-date questions
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Today I sat down with a pen (WHAT'S THAT) and a piece of paper (NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY) and typed into Google:
"What to do when you're trying to get pregnant"
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