I have something to confess: I'm happy and in a relationship. I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO. It's the fucking death knell of a snarky blog about online dating.
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For the past four months, Strong Jawline, my current provider of intercourse, has been telling me I'm pretty.
I've never been accused of such a thing. In 39 years I've been called "striking," "Mediterranean," and "similar to Peter Sellers."
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My free time these days is split between trolling dating sites for people I know, peeing on a stick to see whether I'm ovulating, and recording conversations with Strong Jawline, who remains the top candidate to impregnate me (NOVEMBER 2016: SEX WITH A PURPOSE).
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I've decided to have a baby with a stranger.
In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style.
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So I got fucking snookered into another three months on Match.com because I forgot it automatically resubscribes you and charges your credit card. So I signed in ... with the wrong email address and discovered my OLD MATCH.COM ACCOUNT FROM THREE YEARS AGO WHAT.
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June 16, 2016: Posted on Atlanta Craigslist in Housing > Rooms & Shares*
Read MoreSWM-53 seeks Girlfriend or Wife. Free rent, power, cable, wifi & food[WHAT I WANT]: I'm seeking a non-smoking female that's probably size 14 or smaller.
I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes--which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE'S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE--the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me).
WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
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A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT.
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"This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I've been on here a month and a half and I'm still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE).
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Over the weekend I sat next to John Avalos at a café for THREE HOURS and didn't recognize him until he stood up to leave. I voted for him for MAYOR. He is VERY ATTRACTIVE.
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Last night someone from OKCupid who says he's AN FBI AGENT ARE YOU KIDDING YES I WANT TO TALK TO YOU texted me. But I texted back that I couldn't talk because I was "in the middle of a writing project."
OH, OK.
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First, if your name is Draper, don't put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don't put it in your profile name. Because then the word "raper" is in your profile name. I don't make the rules.
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I figured out something I don't like: people posing in front of statues doing what the statue is doing. Rodin's Thinker, for example.
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I just opened a guy's profile, and this was the first sentence:
"I'm intelligent, THISISWHEREISTOPREADINGHOLYSHIT
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I've been single for nine days. I opened a bottle of rosé and paid for a three-month subscription to Match.com (I think).
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