Even though my parents were just in San Francisco to meet the baby/Barnacle, I recently took the baby/Barnacle to Evanston, Illinois, to stay with them for 10 days.
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I am officially over being pregnant. It happened almost overnight.
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And just like that, I'm in the last week of my first trimester.
No more nausea, no more exhaustion. And last week I got great news: The baby is at low risk for major chromosomal defects (which means the baby is at low risk for ABORTION -- lucky baby!), and ... it's a boy!
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I've decided to have a baby with a stranger.
In 53 days, I turn 40. Which means I have 53 days until my ovaries turn to each other across the vast pink expanse of my uterus, wink at each other, and commence crushing my remaining eggs Kids in the Hall-style.
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I spotted during my luteal phase. Let me explain.
I've been charting my cycle because somebody gave me a book about fertility and I'm curious as to whether at my advanced maternal age I CAN get pregnant.
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Mexico was great. I didn't get roofied. But I did nearly get into a car I shouldn't have gotten into.
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I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes--which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE'S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE--the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me).
WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
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Yesterday I went on a date. On the way there, I called Mom from my magic Bluetooth car phone booth.
Me (39, ostensibly an adult): I don't want to go!
Mom: Just have a good time. You're overthinking it. Just be cool.
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Mom and Dad discussed my blog. Mom said they decided for revenge they're going to backpack across Italy and talk about where, when, and how 74-year-olds have sex. (I think this idea is AMAZING.)
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I figured out something I don't like: people posing in front of statues doing what the statue is doing. Rodin's Thinker, for example.
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I just opened a guy's profile, and this was the first sentence:
"I'm intelligent, THISISWHEREISTOPREADINGHOLYSHIT
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